Forgiving/Asking

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I forgive you.  I forgive you for losing your cool on that lady in the street that day.  I forgive you for your fear of my betrayal.  I forgive you for trying to control me.  I forgive you for withholding affection.  I forgive you for making me feel stupid and worth nothing.  I forgive you for your your anger.  I forgive you for hurting me.

I still love you.

Please forgive me for not asking the right questions.  For staying silent when I should have spoken up.  Forgive me for professing love but not always showing it.  Forgive me for not knowing enough, doing enough, being enough.

What happens in your nightmares?  What really went on over there and how do you feel about it?  What would you do differently?  What would you change?  What do you miss?  What did you love?  How can I be there for you?  What do you need right now?

Thank you for sharing what you have with me.

Praise God for you in my life.

I Will Be Your Brotherhood

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I will give you brotherhood (family).  I will love you.  You can love me.  I will have your back.  I am not perfect but I am trustworthy.  I will do it all for you, as long as it is right and just.

My emotions were sitting in my throat while I watched this.  There are a million reasons to cry and a million reasons not to.  If you only understood in your mind in your heart that I will be your brotherhood…

Good Will

January 16, 2014

I don’t know where to draw the line.  Honestly I hate that there has to be line.  I wish there didn’t have to be a line.

I love you.  So many in your life have given up on you.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I never want to give up on you or abandon you.  But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself.  I already have.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I saw my family they didn’t either.  I am just a shell.  How did this happen?  How did I become this woman?  What happened to us?

I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.”  How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.”  That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.

(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)

All I want to do is love you.

 He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU

 And I do.

love you

 Today

This was written almost 7 months ago to the day.  I can’t even.  I cannot believe that I have not seen you in so long.  Heard your voice.  In 7 months nothing has changed with the way I feel about you.  Love doesn’t go away.   Even after the way you treated me.  I can’t watch this video clip. Or this movie anymore.  It is such a trigger for me.

I never had an agenda with you.  I wouldn’t even know how to.  I am too simple.  All I wanted to do was be around you.  Sit close to you.  All I  want to do is love you.

Still.

So PLEASE.   Take time.  Get well.  Get well for you.

Doppelganger

A while back I came across this blog post about my friend, Grief.  It is titled In Between Grieving and Acceptance.  The stories and thoughts she shared touched me when I read it then and again today.  I too, have felt the loss of a dream.  But this past Saturday I was given a little reminder that maybe that dream isn’t as lost as I feel it is.  Maybe my dream still lives on.  Maybe my dream just looks a little different.

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I ran my first race!  It was pretty epic, for me.  I ran the Wounded Warriors Project 8k.    You are still able to donate to the cause  HERE.  Anyway, I saw someone that looked so similar to Lord V.  Mannerisms and everything.  Of course I couldn’t help myself and I approached the man.  They even have similar names!  Really Universe??!! Really?!?  Well, it kind of made me crazy and pissed me off.  Here is the awesome part:  God has blessed this world with more men that look like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  What a beautiful thing.  Seriously, I am crying.  Although I think it would be kind-of creepy if I ended up with a man that looks like him…but isn’t him. But thank you.  Thank you God for mountain men with crazy long hair and full-on beard.  Lovely.

And to My Guy on a Buffalo, love you.

Channeling Sara

“Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns.” -Sara Bareilles

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A few weeks ago I ran a RACE.  I did a lot of mental preparation for this race.  You see, this race was supposed to be a jumping off point of me letting go.  Letting go of you.  Somehow after all this time, after all the hurt and all the sorrow…I am still so emotionally committed to you.  And I can’t be.  I know I can’t be.  Because you are not committed to me.  In any shape or form.  That, itself, is a painful truth.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with myself.  Seeing that man that looked liked you brought everything back.  Slapped me in the face.  Slapped me in the heart.

“The distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view.”

When I crossed the finish line one thing was clear.  I still love you. Just as much. Just as strong.  Maybe even more.  Your personal healing is more important to me than my being with you.  In the end, if  you have found healing, love , family and peace and happiness and I am alone.  By myself.  Okay.  Just heal.  Please God, bad out, good in.  Bad out.  Good in.

“My love is a burden I can’t carry anymore.”

Please heal me too.  Help me to give my love for him to you, Heavenly Father.

“Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I will breathe again.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2yPU5WPwZs]