Forgiving/Asking

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I forgive you.  I forgive you for losing your cool on that lady in the street that day.  I forgive you for your fear of my betrayal.  I forgive you for trying to control me.  I forgive you for withholding affection.  I forgive you for making me feel stupid and worth nothing.  I forgive you for your your anger.  I forgive you for hurting me.

I still love you.

Please forgive me for not asking the right questions.  For staying silent when I should have spoken up.  Forgive me for professing love but not always showing it.  Forgive me for not knowing enough, doing enough, being enough.

What happens in your nightmares?  What really went on over there and how do you feel about it?  What would you do differently?  What would you change?  What do you miss?  What did you love?  How can I be there for you?  What do you need right now?

Thank you for sharing what you have with me.

Praise God for you in my life.

I Will Be Your Brotherhood

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I will give you brotherhood (family).  I will love you.  You can love me.  I will have your back.  I am not perfect but I am trustworthy.  I will do it all for you, as long as it is right and just.

My emotions were sitting in my throat while I watched this.  There are a million reasons to cry and a million reasons not to.  If you only understood in your mind in your heart that I will be your brotherhood…

It Made Me Think of You

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

I have a thing for swings.  I love them.  They are healing to me.  It was a beautiful day.  You picked me up from the airport.  It was a Sunday.  You took me home and then we went to R’s primary program together.  You teased me in the hall.  During the program I scratched your back.  When I stopped you took my hand and returned it to your back so I would continue. Haha. Then on the way home we stopped and bought me tamales from a lady on the side of the road simply because you knew that I loved them.  That moment our eyes connected and held when you lifted me back into the truck lives on in my heart.  We took a nap at my house and then we stopped at the farm.  You pushed me on that swing for about 45 minutes.  Then you took me home with you.  I had no clothes.  Nothing. But you took me home with you and you held me all night.  It was lovely.

Weeks later I was having a hard time. You took me to “the land of the swings.”  You put me on several different swings and pushed me forever.  I can still feel the sunlight on my face.

What happened to us?  What changed?  Did I do something?  I don’t think I did anything that would warrant such a 180 change in your behavior toward me.

I am grieving that loving man that you were once to me.  I know he is still in you.  He is there.  You are just going through something right now.  What ever girl is there when you are loving and whole again is a lucky girl.

I hope that lucky girl is me.

I just want to be by your side.  If these wings could fly.  For the rest of our lives.

It made me think of you.  This song.  The swings.  This song is for you.  I am singing to you.

love

Not Going

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

Clarity gives me compassion.  When you say mean, rude, heartbreaking things to me…. it is not about me.  Knowing this does not make your treatment to me right in any way.  But it is not about me.  Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this is not core He-who-shall-not-be-named.  It is broken He-who-shall-not-be-named and I cannot trust brokenness.  Somehow I have become a trigger to you.  And right now I am ok with that.  I believe that God will work it to both of our good.  You cannot handle that I care.  It makes you feel and right now you do not know how to deal with feeling.  You haven’t felt in years because you had to turn it off.  I understand that.  That is what you had to do.  But today is different.  Feeling is now a part of your healing.  I am not sorry for making you feel.  I know you do not want me to love you.  That you don’t feel that you deserve it on so many levels.  I am not going to try to make you accept my love.  That is not possible, but at the same time my love is not going to change.  It is unconditional.  Even if we never become anything.  Even if we are never friends… this love that I have for you… It will always be there for you.  It is not going anywhere.  I am not going anywhere.

IMG_1402See this face? Not going anywhere.

 

WTF

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

In the beginning I was beautiful.  You told me I was beautiful.   That I had a great body.  That I was your weakness. That you had a hard time being near me because all you could think about was seducing me.  You told me I was smart, more intelligent than most.  That you loved spending time with me, talking with me because I could keep up with your your ramblings.  You loved that I asked questions when I didn’t know or understand what you were talking about.  You would carry me to bed.  You would hold me in your arms while I slept.  You would freak out when you thought I was leaving…but I was only going to the bathroom. You always texted me to make sure I made it home safely.  You would dislike people who made me feel less than I am.  You would become frustrated when I let people take advantage of me.  You aways talked about how special I was.  How I am everything any man would want.  You couldn’t believe that I hadn’t dated more.  That I didn’t get much attention from guys.  You always wanted to know what was going on in my head, what I was feeling.  You wanted to help me in every way possible.  You supported my dreams and believed that I could achieve them.  You helped me find ways to achieve them.

By the end I was stupid.  I was lazy and entitled.  I was the most annoying girl.  The whiniest girl ever.  And that is why no one wants me.  That once you got to know me you haven’t liked me.  You told me that I had a choice to make.  If I didn’t change you would never speak to me again.

Its been two weeks and you have kept your word.

My Decision to Stay

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

“The moment you fall in love feels like it has centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are just now arriving at the place you were always meant to be.” -David Levithan

I love him.  I really, really love him.  And my love for him is one of the most beautiful things I experience.  I have in my journal all the reasons I love this man but most of it … this love, I can’t explain or put into words that do it justice.  So many people when asked how they knew that is the person they were to be with reply with “you just know.”  And I will say… that is true.  But what happens when the other person doesn’t “know” back?  Does it make my love not real or invalid or mistaken?  I don’t believe so.

Round about a month ago “I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.”  I took pictures as proof of my decision to look at when I think about changing my mind.  I look at them more often than I would like to admit.  And this might be cheese, but I feel super brave sharing them.

IMG_1501 IMG_1499 IMG_1498 IMG_1497 IMG_1496 IMG_1495IMG_1494 IMG_1493 IMG_1492 IMG_1491 IMG_1490 IMG_1489

keep kind and carry on

MISSION 22

I heard this song today and I thought of you. I thought of me and I thought of you. You, who have felt the cold hand of domestic violence. You, who have felt the crippling loss of control through PTSD. I hear you. I see you. I am you. Today, this song is my voice to you, for you.

 

I don’t know when. I don’t know how. But I believe relief and goodness is coming your way. Let it come our way.

11079634_10204793217762566_4249367563040447196_n

This past weekend I had the privilege to run with Team Red White and Blue in the Run As One 5k in downtown Denver. It was to honor the 22 veterans who commit suicide EVERY DAY. Every day, my friends. That makes the war at home more dangerous than all our combat missions around the world. Let’s end the stigma surrounding PTSD and TBI. Let’s end the silence! Please visit MISSION22.COM and SAVE THE 22!