Every Second, Every Day

January 16, 2014

The actions of greatest moral gravity are the ones we originate, not the ones we suffer.” -givens

Every second.  Every single second is so hard.  I try to pretend.  I hope all the times I put on a happy face, or at least an okay face, it is believable.  I remember the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun, when Frances is talking about her divorce she says something along the lines of something like that should instantly kill you.  “It doesn’t actually kill you.  Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck.”  It should.

“Grief goes with you every day (Lea Michelle).” And that is what I am doing. I am grieving.  Grieving the love lost.  The love that I do not know where to put.  The life that I will never have with him.  The dream of the life with him.  I am grieving him, my dear sweet Guy On a Buffalo.

And what I suffer is not as important as how I suffer through it.

“They say they built the train tracks over the alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip… they built it anyway. They know one day the train would come. Any arbitrary turn along the way, and I would be elsewhere. I would be different. What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen… even late in the game. It’s such a surprise.” -under the tuscan sun