No Normal After Trauma

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My date would arrive later. He would only be in my apartment for a few minutes before we were on our way. I had to prepare. So I got on my computer and began logging out of all of my accounts. After I had logged out of two –I stopped. I asked myself aloud, “What am I doing? Nicole, you need to back away from your crazy.” I logged back into my accounts and stepped away from my computer. But I did not put down my trauma. I carried it through the date, through the rest of my day and into the next.

You see, My Guy On A Buffalo was constantly going through all my texts and emails and Facebook. Looking, waiting to catch me in a lie, in some kind of betrayal. I had nothing to hide BUT BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE. BOUNDARIES. And this lives with me still.

My date that day has never given me any indications that he would do the same but the fear still lives in me. And it is alive.

A few years ago I took myself on a trip. I just needed to get away and really look deep into myself and reflect and make decisions. It was an amazing trip. A week after my return I met My Guy On A Buffalo. And the world was wonderful. And then my world was destroyed.

I am preparing to leave on another trip. For the same purpose. To do some intentional work on myself. To be in a new place, to make new choices. I have been really excited for this trip. Until this morning. Fear showed up. Last time I went on a trip I came back and was stolen. I am so afraid that I will return from this trip and the same thing will happen.

A part of me, the healthy side of my brain, tells me that is not true. It will not happen again. This is not a repeat. But the trauma in me…

I do not know how to be normal. I want to be. It is frustrating to think and deal in this way. But maybe it is not about acting, thinking, being normal… Maybe it is about accepting what is. That for right now, this is my new normal. And it is okay. It is okay in all its scary. In the hurting. In the healing.

I often feel crazy. And I know I cannot be the only one. So this is for you. You, who feels crazy and out of control. Who cannot seem to be normal after all you have gone through. I get it. I hear you. I see you.

Worthy is your name. Divine is your destiny. Healing is happening. Together, lets breathe through all of our un-normalness and walk into our fears. I just know something lovely is waiting on the other side

 

Fear of Follow-Through

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely. -Gabrielle Bernstein. This is my mantra for the day.

I have been wanting to do Beachbody’s program Hammer and Chisel since it was announced in July. Something about it drew me to it. I counted down the days until it was released in December. I ordered it the program a few weeks ago and have anxiously waited for it to arrive in the mail.

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When it came I was  so excited! I poured over all the material, read every word and began to plan my attack. I calendared my workouts. I planed my meals. So so ready…..and I didn’t start. The excitement was gone. I told myself I didn’t need to be excited I just needed to begin. But I didn’t begin. I thought maybe if I “prepared” more I would be ready to dive in so I went out and bought a new workout outfit. And……nothing.

I thought, “what is wrong with me?” I was so frustrated with myself and I knew it was time to get honest with myself. So I had a come to Jesus talk. Sometimes facing the truth about myself feels like the hardest thing. Because it is. And I do not have all the answers but I did come to some conclusions.

I have a huge, overwhelming fear of follow-through. There are very few things in my life I have seen to completion. And if I were to follow-through with this program in the timetable I have set for myself I would PROVE MYSELF WRONG.

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Meaning, I have carried these notions about myself that are not true. But a huge part of myself believes them to be true. That I do not finish what I start. I do not keep promises to myself. I am a letdown. I am a failure. I am not capable of success. I am worthless. And if I were to follow-through with the promises I make to myself- I would prove myself wrong. I would show myself THE REAL TRUTH. That I am amazing. That I am a finisher. That I do not give up. I persever. I overcome. I am a leader. I do what I say I am going to do. I am successful. I am capable of creating the life I want for myself. I make my dreams come true. THAT IS THE TRUTH. And I am afraid of it. I hold myself back. I stand in my own way. And I have not figured it out yet. I do not know all the reasons why or how to reverse it. But today….

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely.

That is what I am choosing today.

I freaking love being a Beachbody coach. It gives me purpose and an outlet for my voice. The past few weeks have been discouraging to me as a coach. A few people have quit. And I get it. But I am also so very sad. In my heart of hearts I wish that they would have not given up on themselves so easily. I wish they would have given themselves more time. More of a chance. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF and I AM FIGHTING FOR IT. It is hard. And it hurts. This business makes one come face to face with the false beliefs we carry about ourselves.

My fear of follow through, and all the contributes to it is NOT SERVING ME. Its not. And I am over it. Today I am choosing to do something about it.  Part of me is so in love with this strong, powerful body of mine. It does everything I ask it to do. It serves me well. But another part of me wants to hide from it. I feel it is not attractive and…I am embarrassed by it. So this journey of mine is not only to love my body where it is at but to gain confidence inside and out. To become stronger inside and out. To treat myself like I love myself. Because I do. I know that I do.

So I went to the little gym today at my apartment complex. I took my computer with me to stream Hammer and Chisel. And I was self-conscious because there were other people in there. And I had to modify EVERY move. And I had to press pause. And I cried a little. And I finished it. And it was so hard. All of it. But I showed up for myself and I feel AMAZING. I feel strong and proud. And guess what, it was fun! And I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow! Who knew that would be the end result! My date with myself was a success!

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Master, the Tempest is Raging

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on June 5, 2014

I am sad.  For days now.  Just so very sad.  And so tired.  I could sleep for days.  I think I need to. I think it would help.  My emotions are in my throat at all times.  Most of the time they surface while driving in my car.  I weep as if someone has died.  You know that cry.  You know that sound.  Maybe you have made it yourself.  It is a cry that is different from the rest.  It is scary.  It is alarming.  It comes in waves.  It stays true to its course, this emotion.  But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude.  Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus.  During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to.  No one else there.

Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed.  IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”

As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it,

“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker

Forgiving/Asking

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I forgive you.  I forgive you for losing your cool on that lady in the street that day.  I forgive you for your fear of my betrayal.  I forgive you for trying to control me.  I forgive you for withholding affection.  I forgive you for making me feel stupid and worth nothing.  I forgive you for your your anger.  I forgive you for hurting me.

I still love you.

Please forgive me for not asking the right questions.  For staying silent when I should have spoken up.  Forgive me for professing love but not always showing it.  Forgive me for not knowing enough, doing enough, being enough.

What happens in your nightmares?  What really went on over there and how do you feel about it?  What would you do differently?  What would you change?  What do you miss?  What did you love?  How can I be there for you?  What do you need right now?

Thank you for sharing what you have with me.

Praise God for you in my life.

I Will Be Your Brotherhood

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 28, 2014

I will give you brotherhood (family).  I will love you.  You can love me.  I will have your back.  I am not perfect but I am trustworthy.  I will do it all for you, as long as it is right and just.

My emotions were sitting in my throat while I watched this.  There are a million reasons to cry and a million reasons not to.  If you only understood in your mind in your heart that I will be your brotherhood…

There is No Death, Only Change

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on May 23, 2014

 Awhile ago I found our son.  I stumbled upon this blog and there were pictures of this sweet little boy named… wait for it….Ryan.  That’s right, Ryan.  Funny that.  He has a round face like mine and beautiful red hair like you and guess what?  Its curly like ours!  So so sweet!  I love him and want to hug him all day long and carry him around on my hip.

Looking at these beautiful pictures of this beautiful boy makes me long for you and a future that may never be.  In this little stranger I see a future that could be born of you and me.  Do I mourn this future or do I still hope in it?

Here is the saddest of the saddest of the saddest of all stories ever told: 3 weeks ago this little boy, little Ryan, little person You and I could make some day…. was hit by a car.  3 weeks ago this burst of life died.  He died.  I cannot even believe it.  I mean, I never knew him.  Only the hope of “him” through his pictures.  But I loved him.  Still do.  Because he reminds me of me.  He reminds me of you.

Dear Ryan (and Ryan), may you forever remain as pure joy and light.  That is what you are to me. Pure Joy.  Light.

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Tired

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 20, 2014

I am tired.  I am tired of feeling.  I am tired of not feeling.  I am tired of caring and tired of not caring.  I can’t seem to figure myself out these days.  I am living on a ledge.  Sleeping on a ledge.  My long deep breaths seem empty.  I know my irritability and my numbness is part of my depression but it feels so uncontrollable.  I hate myself for still loving and wanting you but on the other hand the love I feel for you is one of the joys of my life.

I have been a mess since you called me two weeks ago.  I feel like I have back tracked.  I feel so overwhelmed and I do not know what to do.  I want to see you and puppy so terribly awfully bad and yet I am scared to.  I am so scared.

I feel so unlovable and unwanted.  I feel ugly.  I am angry and confused.  I keep trying to get back to myself but I can’t find her.  I can’t find.  Not even sure if that girl is worth finding anymore.  Where has my faith gone?

One moment this song expresses so clearly what I feel for you and at the same time I want to take a bat to your truck.

Anger

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 18, 2014

 So I have been feeling very angry.  I am crying tears of anger as I am writing this.  This might sound strange but I do not know if I have ever actually felt true anger until now.  Truthfully.  “Anger” had just not been part of my nature.  But for the past few days it has been my main emotion and it sucks.  I hate feeling this way.  I am not sure what feels worse: anger or numbness.  I have been asking myself what this emotion is trying to tell me and I don’t know.  I really don’t know….other than my life is crap (feel like that is not the real answer just my anger talking).  And I don’t know what to do with my anger.

I am mad at He-who-must-not-be-named.  That he did thisthis and  this to me.  That he isolated me.  And this and thisTHIS! And how could I forget this.  And so much more that I have not written.  I am angry that He-who-must-not-be-named hasn’t contacted me in 3 weeks.  That I haven’t seen him or that sweet dog for two months!  I am angry that he gets to make this choice and not me.  I am so angry and hurt.
I am angry with myself.  I love him still and want his attention.  I want him to love me back and treat me right.  And I hate myself for it.  I hate that I have to pretend to be okay most of the time because other people can’t seem to handle it when I am not.  I am so angry.  I do not want to go to church.  I do not want to fulfill my calling.  I do not want to talk with the Bishop or anyone from church.  I do not want to hang out with my friends because they piss me off for no reason (mainly because I feel like I have to put on a show, that I can’t share with them about He-who-must-not-be-named cause he might show up to church and I do not want to ruin any of his chances for his own healing).
I am angry and I do not want to be here.  I am angry that I do not have the means, the money to go any where else.  To escape and breathe new air for a while.  I am angry angry and I feel like I am going to explode.
Not sure what I am to do with all this anger or what it is telling me.

He Has

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 17, 2014

When I first share my story with people (and I have shared it with VERY few) the first question they ask was if He-who-must-not-be-named ever harmed me physically.  My response is an immediate NO.  NEVER.  Well today when I was driving home from church I remembered something.  He has.

He never punched me or kicked me or anything like that but one time he went through about a dozen ways he could kill me, instantly.  But I was never scared.  I was never afraid of him.  Then there was this other time when I wouldn’t tell him something he wanted to know.  I don’t even remember what it was.  When I continually refused to tell him he pinned me down.  He straddled me and held my hands down above my head with one of his hands.  And then with the other hand he began to tap my sternum.  It hurt so bad!  I gave in after a few minutes and told him whatever he wanted to know.  I wore the biggest ugliest bruise on my breastbone for a couple of weeks after that.   Somehow my bruise became a joke between us.  We would laugh about it.  I. WOULD. LAUGH. ABOUT. IT.  What was wrong with me?!!!

So I am remembering this as I am driving home from church and I lose it.  I just lose it.  I start bawling in my car.  And I am so angry.  I am so angry!  I love this man and he hurt me.  He has hurt me in so many ways and I don’t even get to tell him.  I have been so good to him.   So good.  Like the time I came home and he had punched through a door and ripped it off it’s hinges.  He pulled cupboard doors off his kitchen cabinets. His knuckles were so bloody and broken.  And I knew how I responded would be important.  How I reacted would either push him further into his PTSD or help him take a step out so I simply said, “I like what you have done with the place, really opens things up.”  And we went on to have a great night.  I kissed his hands.  I have been so patient and understanding with all he has gone through.  I would walk it with him.  There is no one out there who could have the patience, the compassion and understanding, the education to see him, to see what he is going through and WALK WITH HIM the way that I could.  The way that I have.  And I would continue…..

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My Fault

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 15, 2014

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Sometimes I wear your clothes.  Your socks.  Or your hat.  I wear your pants or your shirt.  Your sweatshirt.  And I try to feel close to you.  Sometimes I get mad and take whatever I am wearing off.  I throw it across the room and I scream and I cry.  When I am done I pick it up and put it back on and crawl into bed.

In the beginning you loved my clothes.  You complimented me.  Then things began to change.  My shirt would be too low and you didn’t like it and would let me know.  You would question the length of my skirts/dress and decide they were to short even though my garments didn’t show.  You would ask me all the time if I were altering my garments so I could wear “revealing” things.  One day I got so mad I wore an outfit that covered me from head to toe.  You told me you liked it and the next minute you changed your mind.  The shirt was “too flesh colored” and you hated it.  Once I wore a button-up and tie.  And you were mad at me because you like the whole “school girl” thing and I was wearing it.  It was my fault.  Everything was my fault.  I was your “weakness” your “temptation.”  That is what you told me.  I was your “weakness.”

You were attracted to me.  My whole self.  And sometimes being around me, looking at me turned you on.  You thought about things, things you wanted to do to me, with me.  And that was wrong.  And so it was my fault.  Not yours.  I was the one wearing whatever it was I wore that made you think naughty things.  It was my fault.  I was the one who made you think those things.  In the end it didn’t matter what I wore.  It was everything about me.  Who I was.  I was kind.  My fault.  I was pretty to you.  My fault.  I was mad.  And I am “sexy” and “hot” when I am angry.  My fault.

Everything my fault. And I miss you so I wear your clothes.  I want to be close to you.

I am freaking crazy.