Master, the Tempest is Raging

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on June 5, 2014

I am sad.  For days now.  Just so very sad.  And so tired.  I could sleep for days.  I think I need to. I think it would help.  My emotions are in my throat at all times.  Most of the time they surface while driving in my car.  I weep as if someone has died.  You know that cry.  You know that sound.  Maybe you have made it yourself.  It is a cry that is different from the rest.  It is scary.  It is alarming.  It comes in waves.  It stays true to its course, this emotion.  But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude.  Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus.  During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to.  No one else there.

Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed.  IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”

As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it,

“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker

Your Birthday/My Ritual

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

 Tomorrow is your birthday.  You will be 27.  I know you hate your birthday.  Oh how I want to acknowledge it in some way.  I will probably give in and send you a text.  Already planning to.  I will most likely send something like “Wonderful day to you!”  But what I really want to say to you He-who-must-not-be-named is…

I am glad you were born.  

I was reading about grief today.  Just feeling the loss, you know?  This is what I came across “Create your own ritual. Most cultures have ceremonies to mark death. A ritual marking any loss helps us to acknowledge that the loss is real. It is a way to honor the loss, and to separate the past from the present. When faced with any kind of a loss, feel free to create any kind of ceremony that holds meaning for you.”

So tomorrow, February 8th, I will begin my new annual ritual to celebrate you and my love for you and my loss of you.  In the morning I will go to the temple and spend time with my Savior.  Then I will meet a friend to share all the wonderful beautiful memories of you with.  And all the hard heartbreaking ones too.  Then I will do something special for myself like get my hair done or maybe my toes.  Pamper myself.  I will close the night by watching “Good Will Hunting” because Matt Damon’s character reminds me so much of you in so many ways.  And it hurts too much to dream of you right now so maybe I will go to sleep dreaming of Matt Damon.  Haha.

And I will give myself permission to love you anyway.  To love you forever.  To pray for your healing and recovery.  To pray (without judgement) that somehow, someday we will end up together.  Sealed.  Grow old.  Babies.  Grand babies.  Permission to cry.  More than once.  Over and over.  To bury my heart.  Set it free.  Release it.  Whatever the day calls for.  I give myself permission…



Great Healing

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

“Jesus is the great healer.  He can transform our pain and disappointment into meaning and peace.  He can replace hurt with charity so that we see as He sees and love as He loves.  Serenity even in the face of continuing difficulty can come when we put our trust in ‘him who is mighty to save’ (2 Nephi 31:19).” -H. Wallace Goddard.

That is my prayer tonight Heavenly Father, please replace my pain with meaning.  My disappointment with peace.  Please replace my hurt with love.  I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ this is possible.  I am choosing faith.  I am choosing to believe.  My heart is open.  Please come and reside.  Please set me free.


Let it Go!

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014

The song “Let it Go” from frozen has been my theme song through the last couple of months.  Let it go.  Let go what happened/ is happening to me.  Let it go.  Forgive.  Forgive He-who-must-not-be-named.  Forgive myself.  Forgive God.  Let it go.

A few years ago I wrote a few pieces in forgiveness.  You can find them herehere and here.  Also I am reposting the first two below followed by a few additional thoughts.

You know that thing in your life that you will not let go of.  You hate it.  Wish it wasn’t there.  You want to let it go but you just cannot seem to loosen your grip.   Instead you let it eat at you.  You carry it around with you every day and everywhere you go.  Forgiveness.  You just can’t seem to give it.  And what really sucks about it is that by you not forgiving so-and-so you are only hurting and torturing yourself.  Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why can’t we let it go and move on?  How do we let go and move on?  I started to read this book.  Its called Let it Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness by Chris Williams.   The book is about how Chris was able to forgive the young boy driving the car that killed his wife and two children.

Here is a short video about his story:

We know we should forgive, that it is healthy to forgive.  But how do we forgive?

A man named Lloyd D. Newell uses the example of Jane Eyre when he addresses forgiveness, “Life is a study in forgiveness. No one gets through life without needing to forgive. And no one escapes the need to be forgiven. Perhaps the central test of character, forgiveness brings out the best in us. It leads us beyond our own pain and suffering and helps us feel God’s love. Ironically, we help ourselves in the most profound way when we give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Charlotte Bronte’s literary Jane Eyre addresses the theme of forgiveness so well. Young Jane, orphaned and sent to live with a spiteful aunt, endures years of neglect and cruelty as a child. When Jane is old enough, her aunt sends her away to a substandard boarding school, where she is again mistreated. But Jane learns a vital lesson from Helen, a dear friend there. Helen explains to Jane one of life’s great secrets: “Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs.” Helen teaches Jane to forgive: to forget wrongs, to love enemies, to “bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you… and despitefully use you.”

Jane’s life is different ever after. It doesn’t necessarily become easier–Jane still has to endure injustices, hardships, and betrayals–but she is better prepared for all these things because she has learned not to hold on to grudges and ill feelings. She frees her soul from anger, bitterness, and revenge. In fact, Jane even returns to her malicious aunt and attends to her during her dying days. Ultimately, Jane finds true joy– and even true love–because she learned to forgive.

And so can we. It may be the hardest work we ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. Resolve now to let an old grudge go. Decide in advance to forgive any future offense that may come. Determine never to let a mistake get in the way of a meaningful relationship. As the 18th-century British poet Alexander Pope wrote, “to err is human, to forgive, divine.”

To err is human, to forgive, divine… I want to be divine.  Forgive him.  Forgive myself.  Forgive God.  Be more holy, more divine.  Let it go…

I finished his book. Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness. It was wonderful, heartbreaking and beautiful. I flew home to Iowa for Thanksgiving. I read Chris’s book on the plane. Wrong move. While reading the book I became very emotional. It took everything I had to keep it together. I feel sorry for those who sat next to me. Ha-ha. Some of you might be wondering why I chose to read a book such as this. I wanted to read it for a few reasons. Something you should know about me is that I love self-help books. LOVE THEM. They help me to learn about others and myself. I am also fascinated by death. That might sound weird but I truly believe death is a beautiful thing. How people cope with loss appeals to me as well. And when I saw the video of Chris and his story I was moved. I was moved to compassion and inspired to be one who would choose to forgive. Choose to “let it go.” Below is a passage from his book.

“I knew that the adversary works tirelessly to steal our peace and turn us against each other. We all make mistakes, sometimes with terrible consequences, I reminded myself. We say something that should never had been said, we do something that should never had been done, we misunderstand, misrepresent, or misinterpret, and our actions or words create hurt in our own lives and in the lives of others. And there are those who suffer cruelties at the hands of others. I thought of the five people whose lives ended Monday night at Trolley Square. And yet He who knows that these and so many other kinds of tragedies would occur commanded us to combat them with love. He knows that when we’re hurt, we’re vulnerable and thus susceptible to grudges, hidden wedges, and wounds, all of which, if left unchecked, could fester into anger, retribution, vilification, even hatred.

Without the necessary healing the Savior provides, over time we may begin to wonder why we’re not as happy as we used to be, why we’re a little more critical, a little less patient, and more judgmental, why we withhold our love and affection rather than give it – all the while feeling more miserable, rather than joyful in this life.

I recalled in my mind the many experiences of the last week preceding the viewing and the funeral and the roller coaster of emotions propelling me from the extreme highs of peace to the depths of sadness and grief, over and over. What an opportunity for the adversary to kick me when I was down, to finish me off and heap added misery into my life had I chosen to not follow the Savior’s command and “let it go.” How seemingly easy and justifiable it would have been for me to join him in his misery, to get angry, to vilify, to lash out at this life and how wrong everything in it had just become.

The Savior had suffered all so that we would not have to. He said He would take our burdens, and He repeated the invitation to give them to Him while He ministered in the flesh, and He has since reminded us what He accomplished in the Atonement. There’s no way I was or ever will be strong enough to bear that burden I was presented on the night of the crash. It was immediately given to the Lord at His command, and I instead took upon me His light burden and easy yoke of serving and loving others – having full faith in the Savior and in His ability to bear my heavy burden and to heal my family.”

Heavenly Father, please help me to have full faith in my Savior and His ability to bear my heavy burden and to heal me.  My hope is that 

“some distance will make everything seem small.  And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.  Its time to see what I can do.  To test the limits and break through.  I’m never going back!  The past is in the past!  LET IT GO!

And I will rise like the break of dawn!


Lay Low

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014

This is my healing song right now.  And my plan: lay low.

I literally had a panic attack today knowing I might see He-who-must-not-be-named at church.  I even left during the closing song.  I went and checked the parking lot for his truck.  I just had to know so I could prepare myself.  He was not there. He never came.

Which actually makes me sad.  I hope he attended church some place else.

Lay low.  I am just gonna lay low.


Following Christ

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

 Someone posted this as their status on good ole’ Facebook:

“Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed [Christian]. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way ‘never faileth.'”
— Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Reading this triggered a lot of emotions in me…. mainly upsetness.  The first 25 times I read this -my mind concluded either the statement is false or I am not a good enough disciple of Christ.

I have never felt like I have followed Christ more in any area of my life, including my mission, than in my relationship with He-who-must-not-be-named.  Not that I have been perfect.  I have been very imperfect.  I know I have said and done the wrong things.  But more than ever in my life I have strived to listen and follow Jesus Christ.  So…. this statement must be false or I am just not good enough.

But then I read this scripture:

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11

And this scripture:

“Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end.”  Doctrine and Covenants 100:12

In this very moment I am choosing to believe that hope will return and all will be made right.

I am also giving myself permission to question and doubt without shame.  To give myself room to feel what I feel and then move on to the next feeling.  Because emotions do not last, they come and go.  And to show myself grace….



His Name Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

(Deep Sigh)

And here I am again.  Logically thinking things through.  Him going through my phone and computer — its not about ME.  Its not.  It doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean I should let him but… it is not about me.  It is about him.  It is part of what he is going through.  Some of the symptoms of his trauma is avoiding closeness and relationships, a need for control, a fear of betrayal.  I understand that this does not excuse his behavior toward me but it does call for compassion.  And sometimes the best thing is to have compassion from a far.

My biggest hope and prayer is that He-who-shall-not-be-named and I will come back together.  That we are meant to be together.  That he will let me in.  That I will be the woman called by God to travel this journey with him.  I hope for this because I love him in the deepest parts of me.  My biggest fear is that God has called someone else.  That I will not be the one to love him and stand by him.  Even the thought of that is devastating to me.  Completely.  Down-into-the-marrow-of-my-bones devastating.

It Made Me Think of You

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

I have a thing for swings.  I love them.  They are healing to me.  It was a beautiful day.  You picked me up from the airport.  It was a Sunday.  You took me home and then we went to R’s primary program together.  You teased me in the hall.  During the program I scratched your back.  When I stopped you took my hand and returned it to your back so I would continue. Haha. Then on the way home we stopped and bought me tamales from a lady on the side of the road simply because you knew that I loved them.  That moment our eyes connected and held when you lifted me back into the truck lives on in my heart.  We took a nap at my house and then we stopped at the farm.  You pushed me on that swing for about 45 minutes.  Then you took me home with you.  I had no clothes.  Nothing. But you took me home with you and you held me all night.  It was lovely.

Weeks later I was having a hard time. You took me to “the land of the swings.”  You put me on several different swings and pushed me forever.  I can still feel the sunlight on my face.

What happened to us?  What changed?  Did I do something?  I don’t think I did anything that would warrant such a 180 change in your behavior toward me.

I am grieving that loving man that you were once to me.  I know he is still in you.  He is there.  You are just going through something right now.  What ever girl is there when you are loving and whole again is a lucky girl.

I hope that lucky girl is me.

I just want to be by your side.  If these wings could fly.  For the rest of our lives.

It made me think of you.  This song.  The swings.  This song is for you.  I am singing to you.


Not Going Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

And I am not ready to give up on you.  I hope I never have to get to that place.

You are so special and so beautiful to me.  When I look into your eyes…I see you.  YOU.  You as you really are.  From the beginning there has been something about your voice, being in your presence that is so comforting to me.  There is a kindness in your eyes.  There is a goodness in your soul.  You may not see it but I do.  You have told me time and again there is a darkness in you.  I see that too.  I am not blind.  But that darkness does not outweigh your good.  It never has and never will.  Because your light is inherit.  It comes from your Father in Heaven.  It comes and is simply because you are His son.  And Heavenly Father loves you.  The greatest part about loving you, He-who-must-not-be-named, is that not only do I get to love you with my love but I get to love you with His love.  God has given me His love for you.  And that love is the greatest joy I have experienced.  It is a gift and I treasure it.  Maybe that is why I am able to see YOU when I look into your eyes.  You are worth being loved.  You are worth being prayed for.  Being patient for.


Not Going

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

Clarity gives me compassion.  When you say mean, rude, heartbreaking things to me…. it is not about me.  Knowing this does not make your treatment to me right in any way.  But it is not about me.  Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this is not core He-who-shall-not-be-named.  It is broken He-who-shall-not-be-named and I cannot trust brokenness.  Somehow I have become a trigger to you.  And right now I am ok with that.  I believe that God will work it to both of our good.  You cannot handle that I care.  It makes you feel and right now you do not know how to deal with feeling.  You haven’t felt in years because you had to turn it off.  I understand that.  That is what you had to do.  But today is different.  Feeling is now a part of your healing.  I am not sorry for making you feel.  I know you do not want me to love you.  That you don’t feel that you deserve it on so many levels.  I am not going to try to make you accept my love.  That is not possible, but at the same time my love is not going to change.  It is unconditional.  Even if we never become anything.  Even if we are never friends… this love that I have for you… It will always be there for you.  It is not going anywhere.  I am not going anywhere.

IMG_1402See this face? Not going anywhere.