Every Second, Every Day

January 16, 2014

The actions of greatest moral gravity are the ones we originate, not the ones we suffer.” -givens

Every second.  Every single second is so hard.  I try to pretend.  I hope all the times I put on a happy face, or at least an okay face, it is believable.  I remember the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun, when Frances is talking about her divorce she says something along the lines of something like that should instantly kill you.  “It doesn’t actually kill you.  Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck.”  It should.

“Grief goes with you every day (Lea Michelle).” And that is what I am doing. I am grieving.  Grieving the love lost.  The love that I do not know where to put.  The life that I will never have with him.  The dream of the life with him.  I am grieving him, my dear sweet Guy On a Buffalo.

And what I suffer is not as important as how I suffer through it.

“They say they built the train tracks over the alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip… they built it anyway. They know one day the train would come. Any arbitrary turn along the way, and I would be elsewhere. I would be different. What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen… even late in the game. It’s such a surprise.” -under the tuscan sun

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I Am My Own Audience

I heart Jason Mraz’s song I Won’t Give Up.  I love the words.  I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am.  I like to sing this song about myself to myself.  I won’t give up on us.  Even if the skies get rough.  I’m giving you all my love.  I’m still looking up.  

It is hard to believe and live like I am worth something.  Especially when you have someone’s words playing on repeat in your head.  After a while their voice becomes your voice.  It all sounds the same.  You try to come up for air but you can’t seem to find the surface let alone break it.  God knows I’m worth it.

So in those moments when you can not see, feel, touch your worth – let someone else speak it to you.  God, a friend, me, your mom, Jason Mraz…  Because YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING.  No matter your past.  No matter what someone told you or maybe didn’t tell you.  YOU ARE WORTH IT. WORTH FIGHTING FOR.  And you are the one in the ring.  Give YOU all your love.  And here is all mine. I WON’T GIVE UP.