First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on June 5, 2014
I am sad. For days now. Just so very sad. And so tired. I could sleep for days. I think I need to. I think it would help. My emotions are in my throat at all times. Most of the time they surface while driving in my car. I weep as if someone has died. You know that cry. You know that sound. Maybe you have made it yourself. It is a cry that is different from the rest. It is scary. It is alarming. It comes in waves. It stays true to its course, this emotion. But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude. Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus. During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to. No one else there.
Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed. IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”
As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it,
“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker
I remember the first time I met 1. It was my freshman year of college. We were standing in the hallway of the music building. I ballet danced up to him and introduced myself. Not sure what all we talked about but by the end of our conversation we had plans to watch Flashdance in my dorm room and share a bag of Oreos that night.
I mean…there you go. Pretty darn sure we all knew he was gay before he was officially out-and-about gay. So when 1 came out to my friends and I it was no surprise. What did come as a surprise to me was how scared and devastated he was. He was crying. Afraid of what we would think of him. Afraid that God didn’t love him. He confided that he had spent many hours praying that God would take his attraction away from him. That he could be normal. I remember sitting there just staring at him. I was thinking to myself: how am I going to show him that I love him just the way that he is. How am I going to show him that God loves him too.
And that is what my life has been about ever since.
I remember riding in the car with my dad. It was night time. I asked him why God would make 1 gay. My father encouraged me to pray about it. And I did. The revelation I received has guided my life ever sense.
It does not matter why someone is gay. It does not change the way you love them.
For some reason this answer has always been enough for me. No matter who you are, why you are who you are, what you have done or choose to do with your life. I will not love you any differently. This is a choice I have made and I always follow through. Because, you see, I believe how you view another person and treat another person is your choice. You can be mad, angry. You can dislike and hate. OR…you can love. Freely. Forgive. Freely.
Its like in D.A.R.E. where they teach you to say no to drugs before you are tempted. Then when you are offered drugs you are more likely to say no. We can make our choice to love and accept before we know who we are loving and accepting.
1 is a dream. He is someone worth knowing. I cannot imagine my first few years of college life without him. The last time I saw him face to face was about 3 years ago. He looked handsome and was very charming. I have not talked talked to him in a long time now. We text every now and then. I think he is having a rough time. I love this man. I know that God loves him. I wonder if 1 knows that God loves him. If he feels that God cares about what happens in his life. I know 1 is important to Heavenly Father.
Heavenly Father, please PLEASE wherever 1 is at tonight, whatever he is doing…somehow help him to feel you close to him. To feel your loving arms around him. Please help him to feel he matters. Even if it is only a small moment. I love him. He is special to me. I need to let him know….right now. Thank you for this man. Thank you.