Fear of Follow-Through

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely. -Gabrielle Bernstein. This is my mantra for the day.

I have been wanting to do Beachbody’s program Hammer and Chisel since it was announced in July. Something about it drew me to it. I counted down the days until it was released in December. I ordered it the program a few weeks ago and have anxiously waited for it to arrive in the mail.

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When it came I was  so excited! I poured over all the material, read every word and began to plan my attack. I calendared my workouts. I planed my meals. So so ready…..and I didn’t start. The excitement was gone. I told myself I didn’t need to be excited I just needed to begin. But I didn’t begin. I thought maybe if I “prepared” more I would be ready to dive in so I went out and bought a new workout outfit. And……nothing.

I thought, “what is wrong with me?” I was so frustrated with myself and I knew it was time to get honest with myself. So I had a come to Jesus talk. Sometimes facing the truth about myself feels like the hardest thing. Because it is. And I do not have all the answers but I did come to some conclusions.

I have a huge, overwhelming fear of follow-through. There are very few things in my life I have seen to completion. And if I were to follow-through with this program in the timetable I have set for myself I would PROVE MYSELF WRONG.

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Meaning, I have carried these notions about myself that are not true. But a huge part of myself believes them to be true. That I do not finish what I start. I do not keep promises to myself. I am a letdown. I am a failure. I am not capable of success. I am worthless. And if I were to follow-through with the promises I make to myself- I would prove myself wrong. I would show myself THE REAL TRUTH. That I am amazing. That I am a finisher. That I do not give up. I persever. I overcome. I am a leader. I do what I say I am going to do. I am successful. I am capable of creating the life I want for myself. I make my dreams come true. THAT IS THE TRUTH. And I am afraid of it. I hold myself back. I stand in my own way. And I have not figured it out yet. I do not know all the reasons why or how to reverse it. But today….

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely.

That is what I am choosing today.

I freaking love being a Beachbody coach. It gives me purpose and an outlet for my voice. The past few weeks have been discouraging to me as a coach. A few people have quit. And I get it. But I am also so very sad. In my heart of hearts I wish that they would have not given up on themselves so easily. I wish they would have given themselves more time. More of a chance. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF and I AM FIGHTING FOR IT. It is hard. And it hurts. This business makes one come face to face with the false beliefs we carry about ourselves.

My fear of follow through, and all the contributes to it is NOT SERVING ME. Its not. And I am over it. Today I am choosing to do something about it.  Part of me is so in love with this strong, powerful body of mine. It does everything I ask it to do. It serves me well. But another part of me wants to hide from it. I feel it is not attractive and…I am embarrassed by it. So this journey of mine is not only to love my body where it is at but to gain confidence inside and out. To become stronger inside and out. To treat myself like I love myself. Because I do. I know that I do.

So I went to the little gym today at my apartment complex. I took my computer with me to stream Hammer and Chisel. And I was self-conscious because there were other people in there. And I had to modify EVERY move. And I had to press pause. And I cried a little. And I finished it. And it was so hard. All of it. But I showed up for myself and I feel AMAZING. I feel strong and proud. And guess what, it was fun! And I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow! Who knew that would be the end result! My date with myself was a success!

I dont dance

Master, the Tempest is Raging

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on June 5, 2014

I am sad.  For days now.  Just so very sad.  And so tired.  I could sleep for days.  I think I need to. I think it would help.  My emotions are in my throat at all times.  Most of the time they surface while driving in my car.  I weep as if someone has died.  You know that cry.  You know that sound.  Maybe you have made it yourself.  It is a cry that is different from the rest.  It is scary.  It is alarming.  It comes in waves.  It stays true to its course, this emotion.  But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude.  Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus.  During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to.  No one else there.

Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed.  IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”

As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it,

“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker

Love Again

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

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“The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and will smile at the other’s welcome, and say Sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself.” -derek wolcott

WTF

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

In the beginning I was beautiful.  You told me I was beautiful.   That I had a great body.  That I was your weakness. That you had a hard time being near me because all you could think about was seducing me.  You told me I was smart, more intelligent than most.  That you loved spending time with me, talking with me because I could keep up with your your ramblings.  You loved that I asked questions when I didn’t know or understand what you were talking about.  You would carry me to bed.  You would hold me in your arms while I slept.  You would freak out when you thought I was leaving…but I was only going to the bathroom. You always texted me to make sure I made it home safely.  You would dislike people who made me feel less than I am.  You would become frustrated when I let people take advantage of me.  You aways talked about how special I was.  How I am everything any man would want.  You couldn’t believe that I hadn’t dated more.  That I didn’t get much attention from guys.  You always wanted to know what was going on in my head, what I was feeling.  You wanted to help me in every way possible.  You supported my dreams and believed that I could achieve them.  You helped me find ways to achieve them.

By the end I was stupid.  I was lazy and entitled.  I was the most annoying girl.  The whiniest girl ever.  And that is why no one wants me.  That once you got to know me you haven’t liked me.  You told me that I had a choice to make.  If I didn’t change you would never speak to me again.

Its been two weeks and you have kept your word.

My Decision to Stay

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

“The moment you fall in love feels like it has centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are just now arriving at the place you were always meant to be.” -David Levithan

I love him.  I really, really love him.  And my love for him is one of the most beautiful things I experience.  I have in my journal all the reasons I love this man but most of it … this love, I can’t explain or put into words that do it justice.  So many people when asked how they knew that is the person they were to be with reply with “you just know.”  And I will say… that is true.  But what happens when the other person doesn’t “know” back?  Does it make my love not real or invalid or mistaken?  I don’t believe so.

Round about a month ago “I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.”  I took pictures as proof of my decision to look at when I think about changing my mind.  I look at them more often than I would like to admit.  And this might be cheese, but I feel super brave sharing them.

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keep kind and carry on

Permission Slips

First Published: January 14, 2014 Into Heartbreak and Back

Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

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keep kind and carry on

Because I Am

January 15 2014

Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

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