Your Birthday/My Ritual

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

 Tomorrow is your birthday.  You will be 27.  I know you hate your birthday.  Oh how I want to acknowledge it in some way.  I will probably give in and send you a text.  Already planning to.  I will most likely send something like “Wonderful day to you!”  But what I really want to say to you He-who-must-not-be-named is…

I am glad you were born.  

I was reading about grief today.  Just feeling the loss, you know?  This is what I came across “Create your own ritual. Most cultures have ceremonies to mark death. A ritual marking any loss helps us to acknowledge that the loss is real. It is a way to honor the loss, and to separate the past from the present. When faced with any kind of a loss, feel free to create any kind of ceremony that holds meaning for you.”

So tomorrow, February 8th, I will begin my new annual ritual to celebrate you and my love for you and my loss of you.  In the morning I will go to the temple and spend time with my Savior.  Then I will meet a friend to share all the wonderful beautiful memories of you with.  And all the hard heartbreaking ones too.  Then I will do something special for myself like get my hair done or maybe my toes.  Pamper myself.  I will close the night by watching “Good Will Hunting” because Matt Damon’s character reminds me so much of you in so many ways.  And it hurts too much to dream of you right now so maybe I will go to sleep dreaming of Matt Damon.  Haha.

And I will give myself permission to love you anyway.  To love you forever.  To pray for your healing and recovery.  To pray (without judgement) that somehow, someday we will end up together.  Sealed.  Grow old.  Babies.  Grand babies.  Permission to cry.  More than once.  Over and over.  To bury my heart.  Set it free.  Release it.  Whatever the day calls for.  I give myself permission…

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All I Want to do is Love You

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

 I don’t know where to draw the line.  Honestly I hate that there has to be line.  I wish there didn’t have to be a line.

I love you.  So many in your life have given up on you.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I never want to give up on you or abandon you.  But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself.  I already have.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I saw my family they didn’t either.  I am just a shell.  How did this happen?  How did I become this woman?  What happened to us?

I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.”  How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.”  That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.

(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)

All I want to do is love you.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU

And I do.

love you

Good Will

January 16, 2014

I don’t know where to draw the line.  Honestly I hate that there has to be line.  I wish there didn’t have to be a line.

I love you.  So many in your life have given up on you.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I never want to give up on you or abandon you.  But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself.  I already have.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I saw my family they didn’t either.  I am just a shell.  How did this happen?  How did I become this woman?  What happened to us?

I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.”  How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.”  That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.

(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)

All I want to do is love you.

 He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU

 And I do.

love you

 Today

This was written almost 7 months ago to the day.  I can’t even.  I cannot believe that I have not seen you in so long.  Heard your voice.  In 7 months nothing has changed with the way I feel about you.  Love doesn’t go away.   Even after the way you treated me.  I can’t watch this video clip. Or this movie anymore.  It is such a trigger for me.

I never had an agenda with you.  I wouldn’t even know how to.  I am too simple.  All I wanted to do was be around you.  Sit close to you.  All I  want to do is love you.

Still.

So PLEASE.   Take time.  Get well.  Get well for you.