Please, please

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 22, 2014

I am not angry with him.  I should be.  It would totally be acceptable, understandable, expected.  But I am just not.  I have moments where I want to be, wish to be.  Sometimes I feel that things would be easier if I could be.  I haven’t felt a need to forgive him because I haven’t felt any anger.  Today I realized that I have a lot to forgive him for.  Angry is not the same as hurt.  And he hurt me. A lot. I need to forgive so I can let go of what has been done to me.

I just got a text from you.  Just this moment as I was writing.  It was mean and hurtful and cruel.  I don’t understand what I did to you to make you treat me this way.  All I have done is love and give and accept.  I feel you have taken everything from me and torn me in two.  I want to yell and scream at you.  Demand kindness.  But I know that it is hard to practice compassion when you are struggling with authenticity and when your own worthiness is off balance.  And so I won’t ask you for compassion. In fact, I wont respond at all.  It would only be an invitation for you to be cruel again.  So you can just stop.  JUST STOP.  You succeeded.  I’m broken.  I’m in pain.  My teeth hurt.  My hair hurts.  My heart.  Everything.

“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.” -corrie ten boom