First Published: January 14, 2014 Into Heartbreak and Back
Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown. Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.
I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out. To call upon my war council. To choose faith. To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve. A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them. I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.
Okay. I do not know if I am going to be able to express what I am wanting to in the way I want to. But I am going to do my best.
There are people who have your back have your back. And then there are people who are good people and good friends/family who have your back….but not really. They have your back but not if it does not benefit them. The moment they can take advantage, manipulate or throw you under the bus they will. Maybe not on purpose, maybe not with the intent to cause harm. But when it comes down to the core – they don’t do the right thing. They do what benefits them the most. They don’t come through. They don’t do you a solid.
I must have walked through my life thus far with a big sign on my head screaming, “Take advantage of me! I will take it and not say a word!” And that is 100% my issue.
But no more.
I will take no more. On any level. I believe in forgiveness but forgiveness does not mean my time and energy and another opportunity to take me down. So friends, just putting it out there, if you are “going to have my back” -then have my back. If not, I love you and I wish you only goodness. Because this girl has been through too much sh** this year to knowingly put herself through any more. Boundaries. I now have boundaries.
The other day my therapist challenged me to be the leader in loving myself. Having more firm boundaries of what treatment I will tolerate is loving myself. In fact, it is more than that. It is respecting myself. It is loving and respecting the people around me. Brene Brown has said, “The most compassionate people that I’ve ever interviewed… happened to be the most boundaried. They happened to be the people who had very, very clear boundaries about what they were willing to do, what they were not willing to do, what they were willing to take on, and what they were not willing to take on. One of the things that shifted for me, was this idea that maybe everyone – myself included – maybe everyone’s doing the best they can. But sometimes, that means that I don’t have to engage.”
To those of you who have my back have my back. Thank you. You have no idea how much I have needed you. You have kept me alive. If I never have the chance to repay you I know Karma will. You have a lot of good coming your way.
I am a believer and a practicer of giving myself permission. From giving myself permission to fail and fail big to permission to succeed. I have given myself permission to stay in bed all day when I have needed it. On other days when staying in bed is what I wanted but far from what I needed I gave myself permission to get moving and hate it. Haha. The key is to only give myself permission to do or think things that are in-line with my truth. For example, eating cake for dinner is in-line with my truth but eating cake every day is not. Standing up for myself: In-line with my truth. Name calling: Never. See how this goes? The picture above is my most current permission slip. The one below was made in January.
And here are some random pictures of my younger sister and I just because. These were taken in May??? I think