My Fault

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 15, 2014

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Sometimes I wear your clothes.  Your socks.  Or your hat.  I wear your pants or your shirt.  Your sweatshirt.  And I try to feel close to you.  Sometimes I get mad and take whatever I am wearing off.  I throw it across the room and I scream and I cry.  When I am done I pick it up and put it back on and crawl into bed.

In the beginning you loved my clothes.  You complimented me.  Then things began to change.  My shirt would be too low and you didn’t like it and would let me know.  You would question the length of my skirts/dress and decide they were to short even though my garments didn’t show.  You would ask me all the time if I were altering my garments so I could wear “revealing” things.  One day I got so mad I wore an outfit that covered me from head to toe.  You told me you liked it and the next minute you changed your mind.  The shirt was “too flesh colored” and you hated it.  Once I wore a button-up and tie.  And you were mad at me because you like the whole “school girl” thing and I was wearing it.  It was my fault.  Everything was my fault.  I was your “weakness” your “temptation.”  That is what you told me.  I was your “weakness.”

You were attracted to me.  My whole self.  And sometimes being around me, looking at me turned you on.  You thought about things, things you wanted to do to me, with me.  And that was wrong.  And so it was my fault.  Not yours.  I was the one wearing whatever it was I wore that made you think naughty things.  It was my fault.  I was the one who made you think those things.  In the end it didn’t matter what I wore.  It was everything about me.  Who I was.  I was kind.  My fault.  I was pretty to you.  My fault.  I was mad.  And I am “sexy” and “hot” when I am angry.  My fault.

Everything my fault. And I miss you so I wear your clothes.  I want to be close to you.

I am freaking crazy.

His Name Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

(Deep Sigh)

And here I am again.  Logically thinking things through.  Him going through my phone and computer — its not about ME.  Its not.  It doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean I should let him but… it is not about me.  It is about him.  It is part of what he is going through.  Some of the symptoms of his trauma is avoiding closeness and relationships, a need for control, a fear of betrayal.  I understand that this does not excuse his behavior toward me but it does call for compassion.  And sometimes the best thing is to have compassion from a far.

My biggest hope and prayer is that He-who-shall-not-be-named and I will come back together.  That we are meant to be together.  That he will let me in.  That I will be the woman called by God to travel this journey with him.  I hope for this because I love him in the deepest parts of me.  My biggest fear is that God has called someone else.  That I will not be the one to love him and stand by him.  Even the thought of that is devastating to me.  Completely.  Down-into-the-marrow-of-my-bones devastating.

Not Going Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

And I am not ready to give up on you.  I hope I never have to get to that place.

You are so special and so beautiful to me.  When I look into your eyes…I see you.  YOU.  You as you really are.  From the beginning there has been something about your voice, being in your presence that is so comforting to me.  There is a kindness in your eyes.  There is a goodness in your soul.  You may not see it but I do.  You have told me time and again there is a darkness in you.  I see that too.  I am not blind.  But that darkness does not outweigh your good.  It never has and never will.  Because your light is inherit.  It comes from your Father in Heaven.  It comes and is simply because you are His son.  And Heavenly Father loves you.  The greatest part about loving you, He-who-must-not-be-named, is that not only do I get to love you with my love but I get to love you with His love.  God has given me His love for you.  And that love is the greatest joy I have experienced.  It is a gift and I treasure it.  Maybe that is why I am able to see YOU when I look into your eyes.  You are worth being loved.  You are worth being prayed for.  Being patient for.

kfjkn

Not Going

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

Clarity gives me compassion.  When you say mean, rude, heartbreaking things to me…. it is not about me.  Knowing this does not make your treatment to me right in any way.  But it is not about me.  Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this is not core He-who-shall-not-be-named.  It is broken He-who-shall-not-be-named and I cannot trust brokenness.  Somehow I have become a trigger to you.  And right now I am ok with that.  I believe that God will work it to both of our good.  You cannot handle that I care.  It makes you feel and right now you do not know how to deal with feeling.  You haven’t felt in years because you had to turn it off.  I understand that.  That is what you had to do.  But today is different.  Feeling is now a part of your healing.  I am not sorry for making you feel.  I know you do not want me to love you.  That you don’t feel that you deserve it on so many levels.  I am not going to try to make you accept my love.  That is not possible, but at the same time my love is not going to change.  It is unconditional.  Even if we never become anything.  Even if we are never friends… this love that I have for you… It will always be there for you.  It is not going anywhere.  I am not going anywhere.

IMG_1402See this face? Not going anywhere.

 

Things as They Really are…

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 22, 2014

There were a number of times when I would get a phone call or a text from someone you felt was just trying to take advantage of me.  You would take my phone from me and compose a text message back.  You would tell me that I needed to manipulate them back.  You would spend minutes composing what I should say back and explaining how to manipulate with my words.  Punctuation counts.  Choosing to capitalize or not capitalize words counts.  Misspelling on purpose.  And timing!  The timing of sending the text or the call back.  It makes a difference of how the text is read, how I am being heard and controls how the person reacts.  You told me I needed to learn how to manipulate for my own good.  I remember telling you that I think that is terrible.  That I rather be taken advantage of than manipulate.  I also remember thinking “I wonder how often he does this with me, manipulates?”

He has made so much progress in other areas of his life.  I know it is true because I have been a witness of it.  And I believe it is authentic. But as he has been making leaps in bounds in other areas of his life his treatment of me has gotten worse and worse.  I don’t understand what is going on.  I am feeling betrayed and crazy on so many levels.  I know people have not seen the sides of him that I have.  I don’t want anyone to.  I love him. I don’t want anyone to think bad of him but there is this other side to me that is going crazy.  That feels betrayed and so hurt.  He gets to walk around with puppy and be loved and enjoyed and celebrated.  He has changed and progressed so much!  And I don’t get my puppy.  I don’t get my play.  I get to walk around broken, devastated, pretending that everything is ok.  And I am not suppose to reach out.  I am suppose to stay away from him and avoid him…

…if things are really the way I say they are.

I feel crazy.  (And what is worse is that I can see that I have been manipulated to feel this way.  And I feel alone here.  No one else can see it.)

Thanksgiving Day

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

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I said to him a few times how I loved this tree so he took a picture.

Today I give myself permission to love him anyway.  To cry and grieve.  To be angry and hurt. To be sad and mourn all that was good.  To believe that it may one day be good again.  To be afraid that it may not.

Beautiful Beautiful tree.  Beautiful Sunlight.

keep kind and carry on.

 

WTF Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

And I miss you.  I hate not texting you or hearing from you throughout the day.  I miss your voice and your sweet eyes.  I miss your puns and your silly jokes.  I miss your rantings and the way your thoughts connect and lead into the next.  I like your random facts and the way you would patiently explain things to me.  I miss being in your presence.  From the first time I felt just a calmness in my soul that I had never felt before.  I felt safe.  Safe to be alone with you.  Safe to be vulnerable.  Freedom to be me and every side of me.  You used to be my war council.  I hate that you can no longer be that person to me.  I hate that I no longer feel safe.  I hate that I became so afraid to buy bread at the store for fear I would buy the wrong one.  That’s not right.  That is not healthy.

And I hate me for missing you.  You hurt me and I miss you.  I hate that you don’t love me.  That you don’t think about me.  That you could so easily stop talking to me.  And I miss you.

I am a mess.  I am such a mess.  And you are right, nobody wants that.

WTF

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

In the beginning I was beautiful.  You told me I was beautiful.   That I had a great body.  That I was your weakness. That you had a hard time being near me because all you could think about was seducing me.  You told me I was smart, more intelligent than most.  That you loved spending time with me, talking with me because I could keep up with your your ramblings.  You loved that I asked questions when I didn’t know or understand what you were talking about.  You would carry me to bed.  You would hold me in your arms while I slept.  You would freak out when you thought I was leaving…but I was only going to the bathroom. You always texted me to make sure I made it home safely.  You would dislike people who made me feel less than I am.  You would become frustrated when I let people take advantage of me.  You aways talked about how special I was.  How I am everything any man would want.  You couldn’t believe that I hadn’t dated more.  That I didn’t get much attention from guys.  You always wanted to know what was going on in my head, what I was feeling.  You wanted to help me in every way possible.  You supported my dreams and believed that I could achieve them.  You helped me find ways to achieve them.

By the end I was stupid.  I was lazy and entitled.  I was the most annoying girl.  The whiniest girl ever.  And that is why no one wants me.  That once you got to know me you haven’t liked me.  You told me that I had a choice to make.  If I didn’t change you would never speak to me again.

Its been two weeks and you have kept your word.