Master, the Tempest is Raging

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on June 5, 2014

I am sad.  For days now.  Just so very sad.  And so tired.  I could sleep for days.  I think I need to. I think it would help.  My emotions are in my throat at all times.  Most of the time they surface while driving in my car.  I weep as if someone has died.  You know that cry.  You know that sound.  Maybe you have made it yourself.  It is a cry that is different from the rest.  It is scary.  It is alarming.  It comes in waves.  It stays true to its course, this emotion.  But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude.  Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus.  During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to.  No one else there.

Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed.  IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”

As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it,

“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker

He Has

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 17, 2014

When I first share my story with people (and I have shared it with VERY few) the first question they ask was if He-who-must-not-be-named ever harmed me physically.  My response is an immediate NO.  NEVER.  Well today when I was driving home from church I remembered something.  He has.

He never punched me or kicked me or anything like that but one time he went through about a dozen ways he could kill me, instantly.  But I was never scared.  I was never afraid of him.  Then there was this other time when I wouldn’t tell him something he wanted to know.  I don’t even remember what it was.  When I continually refused to tell him he pinned me down.  He straddled me and held my hands down above my head with one of his hands.  And then with the other hand he began to tap my sternum.  It hurt so bad!  I gave in after a few minutes and told him whatever he wanted to know.  I wore the biggest ugliest bruise on my breastbone for a couple of weeks after that.   Somehow my bruise became a joke between us.  We would laugh about it.  I. WOULD. LAUGH. ABOUT. IT.  What was wrong with me?!!!

So I am remembering this as I am driving home from church and I lose it.  I just lose it.  I start bawling in my car.  And I am so angry.  I am so angry!  I love this man and he hurt me.  He has hurt me in so many ways and I don’t even get to tell him.  I have been so good to him.   So good.  Like the time I came home and he had punched through a door and ripped it off it’s hinges.  He pulled cupboard doors off his kitchen cabinets. His knuckles were so bloody and broken.  And I knew how I responded would be important.  How I reacted would either push him further into his PTSD or help him take a step out so I simply said, “I like what you have done with the place, really opens things up.”  And we went on to have a great night.  I kissed his hands.  I have been so patient and understanding with all he has gone through.  I would walk it with him.  There is no one out there who could have the patience, the compassion and understanding, the education to see him, to see what he is going through and WALK WITH HIM the way that I could.  The way that I have.  And I would continue…..

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My Fault

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 15, 2014

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Sometimes I wear your clothes.  Your socks.  Or your hat.  I wear your pants or your shirt.  Your sweatshirt.  And I try to feel close to you.  Sometimes I get mad and take whatever I am wearing off.  I throw it across the room and I scream and I cry.  When I am done I pick it up and put it back on and crawl into bed.

In the beginning you loved my clothes.  You complimented me.  Then things began to change.  My shirt would be too low and you didn’t like it and would let me know.  You would question the length of my skirts/dress and decide they were to short even though my garments didn’t show.  You would ask me all the time if I were altering my garments so I could wear “revealing” things.  One day I got so mad I wore an outfit that covered me from head to toe.  You told me you liked it and the next minute you changed your mind.  The shirt was “too flesh colored” and you hated it.  Once I wore a button-up and tie.  And you were mad at me because you like the whole “school girl” thing and I was wearing it.  It was my fault.  Everything was my fault.  I was your “weakness” your “temptation.”  That is what you told me.  I was your “weakness.”

You were attracted to me.  My whole self.  And sometimes being around me, looking at me turned you on.  You thought about things, things you wanted to do to me, with me.  And that was wrong.  And so it was my fault.  Not yours.  I was the one wearing whatever it was I wore that made you think naughty things.  It was my fault.  I was the one who made you think those things.  In the end it didn’t matter what I wore.  It was everything about me.  Who I was.  I was kind.  My fault.  I was pretty to you.  My fault.  I was mad.  And I am “sexy” and “hot” when I am angry.  My fault.

Everything my fault. And I miss you so I wear your clothes.  I want to be close to you.

I am freaking crazy.

Your Birthday/My Ritual

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

 Tomorrow is your birthday.  You will be 27.  I know you hate your birthday.  Oh how I want to acknowledge it in some way.  I will probably give in and send you a text.  Already planning to.  I will most likely send something like “Wonderful day to you!”  But what I really want to say to you He-who-must-not-be-named is…

I am glad you were born.  

I was reading about grief today.  Just feeling the loss, you know?  This is what I came across “Create your own ritual. Most cultures have ceremonies to mark death. A ritual marking any loss helps us to acknowledge that the loss is real. It is a way to honor the loss, and to separate the past from the present. When faced with any kind of a loss, feel free to create any kind of ceremony that holds meaning for you.”

So tomorrow, February 8th, I will begin my new annual ritual to celebrate you and my love for you and my loss of you.  In the morning I will go to the temple and spend time with my Savior.  Then I will meet a friend to share all the wonderful beautiful memories of you with.  And all the hard heartbreaking ones too.  Then I will do something special for myself like get my hair done or maybe my toes.  Pamper myself.  I will close the night by watching “Good Will Hunting” because Matt Damon’s character reminds me so much of you in so many ways.  And it hurts too much to dream of you right now so maybe I will go to sleep dreaming of Matt Damon.  Haha.

And I will give myself permission to love you anyway.  To love you forever.  To pray for your healing and recovery.  To pray (without judgement) that somehow, someday we will end up together.  Sealed.  Grow old.  Babies.  Grand babies.  Permission to cry.  More than once.  Over and over.  To bury my heart.  Set it free.  Release it.  Whatever the day calls for.  I give myself permission…

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Great Healing

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

“Jesus is the great healer.  He can transform our pain and disappointment into meaning and peace.  He can replace hurt with charity so that we see as He sees and love as He loves.  Serenity even in the face of continuing difficulty can come when we put our trust in ‘him who is mighty to save’ (2 Nephi 31:19).” -H. Wallace Goddard.

That is my prayer tonight Heavenly Father, please replace my pain with meaning.  My disappointment with peace.  Please replace my hurt with love.  I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ this is possible.  I am choosing faith.  I am choosing to believe.  My heart is open.  Please come and reside.  Please set me free.

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Stars

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 6, 2014

I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can’t look out the window, I can’t look at this place.
I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars

Do you ever think of me?  I think of you every moment.  When you think of me do you think good things or bad things?  I am so afraid you think bad things.  I am scared that this is so easy for you – your life – without me.  I pray for you every day.  All throughout the day.  That you will experience healing.  That your heart will be soft towards me.  Do you ever think of me?

I love you.  And I can’t look at the stars.

Let it Go!

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014

The song “Let it Go” from frozen has been my theme song through the last couple of months.  Let it go.  Let go what happened/ is happening to me.  Let it go.  Forgive.  Forgive He-who-must-not-be-named.  Forgive myself.  Forgive God.  Let it go.

A few years ago I wrote a few pieces in forgiveness.  You can find them herehere and here.  Also I am reposting the first two below followed by a few additional thoughts.

You know that thing in your life that you will not let go of.  You hate it.  Wish it wasn’t there.  You want to let it go but you just cannot seem to loosen your grip.   Instead you let it eat at you.  You carry it around with you every day and everywhere you go.  Forgiveness.  You just can’t seem to give it.  And what really sucks about it is that by you not forgiving so-and-so you are only hurting and torturing yourself.  Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why can’t we let it go and move on?  How do we let go and move on?  I started to read this book.  Its called Let it Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness by Chris Williams.   The book is about how Chris was able to forgive the young boy driving the car that killed his wife and two children.

Here is a short video about his story:

We know we should forgive, that it is healthy to forgive.  But how do we forgive?

A man named Lloyd D. Newell uses the example of Jane Eyre when he addresses forgiveness, “Life is a study in forgiveness. No one gets through life without needing to forgive. And no one escapes the need to be forgiven. Perhaps the central test of character, forgiveness brings out the best in us. It leads us beyond our own pain and suffering and helps us feel God’s love. Ironically, we help ourselves in the most profound way when we give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Charlotte Bronte’s literary Jane Eyre addresses the theme of forgiveness so well. Young Jane, orphaned and sent to live with a spiteful aunt, endures years of neglect and cruelty as a child. When Jane is old enough, her aunt sends her away to a substandard boarding school, where she is again mistreated. But Jane learns a vital lesson from Helen, a dear friend there. Helen explains to Jane one of life’s great secrets: “Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs.” Helen teaches Jane to forgive: to forget wrongs, to love enemies, to “bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you… and despitefully use you.”

Jane’s life is different ever after. It doesn’t necessarily become easier–Jane still has to endure injustices, hardships, and betrayals–but she is better prepared for all these things because she has learned not to hold on to grudges and ill feelings. She frees her soul from anger, bitterness, and revenge. In fact, Jane even returns to her malicious aunt and attends to her during her dying days. Ultimately, Jane finds true joy– and even true love–because she learned to forgive.

And so can we. It may be the hardest work we ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. Resolve now to let an old grudge go. Decide in advance to forgive any future offense that may come. Determine never to let a mistake get in the way of a meaningful relationship. As the 18th-century British poet Alexander Pope wrote, “to err is human, to forgive, divine.”

To err is human, to forgive, divine… I want to be divine.  Forgive him.  Forgive myself.  Forgive God.  Be more holy, more divine.  Let it go…

I finished his book. Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness. It was wonderful, heartbreaking and beautiful. I flew home to Iowa for Thanksgiving. I read Chris’s book on the plane. Wrong move. While reading the book I became very emotional. It took everything I had to keep it together. I feel sorry for those who sat next to me. Ha-ha. Some of you might be wondering why I chose to read a book such as this. I wanted to read it for a few reasons. Something you should know about me is that I love self-help books. LOVE THEM. They help me to learn about others and myself. I am also fascinated by death. That might sound weird but I truly believe death is a beautiful thing. How people cope with loss appeals to me as well. And when I saw the video of Chris and his story I was moved. I was moved to compassion and inspired to be one who would choose to forgive. Choose to “let it go.” Below is a passage from his book.

“I knew that the adversary works tirelessly to steal our peace and turn us against each other. We all make mistakes, sometimes with terrible consequences, I reminded myself. We say something that should never had been said, we do something that should never had been done, we misunderstand, misrepresent, or misinterpret, and our actions or words create hurt in our own lives and in the lives of others. And there are those who suffer cruelties at the hands of others. I thought of the five people whose lives ended Monday night at Trolley Square. And yet He who knows that these and so many other kinds of tragedies would occur commanded us to combat them with love. He knows that when we’re hurt, we’re vulnerable and thus susceptible to grudges, hidden wedges, and wounds, all of which, if left unchecked, could fester into anger, retribution, vilification, even hatred.

Without the necessary healing the Savior provides, over time we may begin to wonder why we’re not as happy as we used to be, why we’re a little more critical, a little less patient, and more judgmental, why we withhold our love and affection rather than give it – all the while feeling more miserable, rather than joyful in this life.

I recalled in my mind the many experiences of the last week preceding the viewing and the funeral and the roller coaster of emotions propelling me from the extreme highs of peace to the depths of sadness and grief, over and over. What an opportunity for the adversary to kick me when I was down, to finish me off and heap added misery into my life had I chosen to not follow the Savior’s command and “let it go.” How seemingly easy and justifiable it would have been for me to join him in his misery, to get angry, to vilify, to lash out at this life and how wrong everything in it had just become.

The Savior had suffered all so that we would not have to. He said He would take our burdens, and He repeated the invitation to give them to Him while He ministered in the flesh, and He has since reminded us what He accomplished in the Atonement. There’s no way I was or ever will be strong enough to bear that burden I was presented on the night of the crash. It was immediately given to the Lord at His command, and I instead took upon me His light burden and easy yoke of serving and loving others – having full faith in the Savior and in His ability to bear my heavy burden and to heal my family.”

Heavenly Father, please help me to have full faith in my Savior and His ability to bear my heavy burden and to heal me.  My hope is that 

“some distance will make everything seem small.  And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.  Its time to see what I can do.  To test the limits and break through.  I’m never going back!  The past is in the past!  LET IT GO!

And I will rise like the break of dawn!

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Isolation

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014

I can see it now.  It makes me ill.  Physically ill.

At first we would spend time together in public but that faded.  Then only at your place.  If we ever spent time with others it was your family.

Then when I was at your place I couldn’t leave.  I wouldn’t leave for days sometimes.  At the time I loved it because I just thought you wanted to spend all that time with me.  Maybe that is true but it was also about control.  I couldn’t go outside when you were not there.  When I did – I had to “keep a low profile.”  I couldn’t talk to anyone.  A few times you overheard me talking to your neighbors.  It was all “hello” and “good day” stuff but you would grill me on it.  Make me feel guilty.  Then it got to the point where If I needed to leave for something you would threaten me that I wouldn’t get to see puppy.  Tell me not to bother coming at all.

I feel sick when I look back and with clear eyes can see how you pitted me against my friends and sometimes even my family.  You questioned my conversations with others.  Made me tell you word for word.  Questioned things I said.  Accused me of all sorts of things.  Twisted my words and distorted my stories.  I became lost and confused all the time in our conversations.  Somehow apologizing for all sorts of stuff.  Slowly you isolated me so all I felt like I had was you.  And I loved you so it kind of felt okay.  But then you left me.  You deserted me.  So I don’t even have you anymore.

And I am the who is “not suppose to talk to you anymore.”  Funny.  Even though you have not seen me in over a month you are still isolating me.

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So I wrote this less than an hour ago and I am back already.  I just cannot leave it until I write what is in my mind and my heart.  I am in no way excusing his behavior.  It was wrong.  But I also believe that his motive was not to hurt me or be cruel to me any way… well purposefully.  He is just a man – a good man- with a lot of problems.  I love him.  And maybe one day I will no longer desire a life with him or…or someone will come along who will see something inside of me to love and I will look at them and love them too.  Or maybe He-who-must-not-be-named will get the help he needs and will experience healing and we will be together in the end.  I don’t know.  But in this moment my heart is filled with charity for him.  What a hard life he must be living.

Lay Low

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014

This is my healing song right now.  And my plan: lay low.

I literally had a panic attack today knowing I might see He-who-must-not-be-named at church.  I even left during the closing song.  I went and checked the parking lot for his truck.  I just had to know so I could prepare myself.  He was not there. He never came.

Which actually makes me sad.  I hope he attended church some place else.

Lay low.  I am just gonna lay low.

 

October 4th 2013

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 1, 2014

Heavenly Father, I am scared to love a man with a love like this.  I am scared that he does not or may never love me in return.  But more than anything Heavenly Father, more than He-who-must-not-be-named loving me back – I want him to love You.  To be true and faithful to Thee, Thy Son and His gospel.  I will gladly and without hesitation sacrifice my heart for his and yours to be one.

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Present Day:

You answered my prayers.  Thank you Heavenly Father.  He is closer to you than he has ever been.

And it only cost me my heart.

But it was never my heart.  It was Yours.  I gave it to you a long time ago.  Now I am awaiting my new heart.  I know You will give me a new heart.  It it will be more loving, more willing to  love than the last.

Thank you Heavenly Father.