Good Will

January 16, 2014

I don’t know where to draw the line.  Honestly I hate that there has to be line.  I wish there didn’t have to be a line.

I love you.  So many in your life have given up on you.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I never want to give up on you or abandon you.  But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself.  I already have.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I saw my family they didn’t either.  I am just a shell.  How did this happen?  How did I become this woman?  What happened to us?

I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.”  How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.”  That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.

(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)

All I want to do is love you.

 He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU

 And I do.

love you

 Today

This was written almost 7 months ago to the day.  I can’t even.  I cannot believe that I have not seen you in so long.  Heard your voice.  In 7 months nothing has changed with the way I feel about you.  Love doesn’t go away.   Even after the way you treated me.  I can’t watch this video clip. Or this movie anymore.  It is such a trigger for me.

I never had an agenda with you.  I wouldn’t even know how to.  I am too simple.  All I wanted to do was be around you.  Sit close to you.  All I  want to do is love you.

Still.

So PLEASE.   Take time.  Get well.  Get well for you.

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