First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 3, 2014
I can see it now. It makes me ill. Physically ill.
At first we would spend time together in public but that faded. Then only at your place. If we ever spent time with others it was your family.
Then when I was at your place I couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave for days sometimes. At the time I loved it because I just thought you wanted to spend all that time with me. Maybe that is true but it was also about control. I couldn’t go outside when you were not there. When I did – I had to “keep a low profile.” I couldn’t talk to anyone. A few times you overheard me talking to your neighbors. It was all “hello” and “good day” stuff but you would grill me on it. Make me feel guilty. Then it got to the point where If I needed to leave for something you would threaten me that I wouldn’t get to see puppy. Tell me not to bother coming at all.
I feel sick when I look back and with clear eyes can see how you pitted me against my friends and sometimes even my family. You questioned my conversations with others. Made me tell you word for word. Questioned things I said. Accused me of all sorts of things. Twisted my words and distorted my stories. I became lost and confused all the time in our conversations. Somehow apologizing for all sorts of stuff. Slowly you isolated me so all I felt like I had was you. And I loved you so it kind of felt okay. But then you left me. You deserted me. So I don’t even have you anymore.
And I am the who is “not suppose to talk to you anymore.” Funny. Even though you have not seen me in over a month you are still isolating me.
So I wrote this less than an hour ago and I am back already. I just cannot leave it until I write what is in my mind and my heart. I am in no way excusing his behavior. It was wrong. But I also believe that his motive was not to hurt me or be cruel to me any way… well purposefully. He is just a man – a good man- with a lot of problems. I love him. And maybe one day I will no longer desire a life with him or…or someone will come along who will see something inside of me to love and I will look at them and love them too. Or maybe He-who-must-not-be-named will get the help he needs and will experience healing and we will be together in the end. I don’t know. But in this moment my heart is filled with charity for him. What a hard life he must be living.