His Name Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

(Deep Sigh)

And here I am again.  Logically thinking things through.  Him going through my phone and computer — its not about ME.  Its not.  It doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean I should let him but… it is not about me.  It is about him.  It is part of what he is going through.  Some of the symptoms of his trauma is avoiding closeness and relationships, a need for control, a fear of betrayal.  I understand that this does not excuse his behavior toward me but it does call for compassion.  And sometimes the best thing is to have compassion from a far.

My biggest hope and prayer is that He-who-shall-not-be-named and I will come back together.  That we are meant to be together.  That he will let me in.  That I will be the woman called by God to travel this journey with him.  I hope for this because I love him in the deepest parts of me.  My biggest fear is that God has called someone else.  That I will not be the one to love him and stand by him.  Even the thought of that is devastating to me.  Completely.  Down-into-the-marrow-of-my-bones devastating.

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