His Name

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 29, 2014

Someone sent me an email and he was one of the main topics in it.  They used his name.  Panic raced through my body.  I learned not to use his name a long time ago.

I learned this because every so often he would go through my emails and texts. I just let him.  I have nothing to hide.  Although I feel that it is extremely unethical.  It is like reading someone’s mail.  You just don’t do that.  I would not do that even to my family or closest friends.

He never asked, he just did.  I caught him doing it a handful of times.  If he found his name he would grill me about it.  “Who is this person?”  “What did they mean by this?”  “What is this about?”  “Why would they say this?” I have no idea how many times he went through my phone or my computer without me noticing.  One time I noticed and I took my phone from him.  He wanted to know what I was hiding.  I told him I wasn’t hiding anything.  I was just drawing a line.  I didn’t go through his phone or anything!  I spent so much time alone at his house and never went snooping.  Not even once.  Eventually he dragged out of me whatever he wanted to know… I remember it would have been easier to just have kept my mouth shut and let him read all my texts… looking for something to prove that I am false, not telling the truth or whatever he was hoping to find.

For a while I would erase/delete all my texts and emails about him.  I don’t do that anymore.  But I am still paranoid.  Feel crazy.

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