First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 22, 2014
There were a number of times when I would get a phone call or a text from someone you felt was just trying to take advantage of me. You would take my phone from me and compose a text message back. You would tell me that I needed to manipulate them back. You would spend minutes composing what I should say back and explaining how to manipulate with my words. Punctuation counts. Choosing to capitalize or not capitalize words counts. Misspelling on purpose. And timing! The timing of sending the text or the call back. It makes a difference of how the text is read, how I am being heard and controls how the person reacts. You told me I needed to learn how to manipulate for my own good. I remember telling you that I think that is terrible. That I rather be taken advantage of than manipulate. I also remember thinking “I wonder how often he does this with me, manipulates?”
He has made so much progress in other areas of his life. I know it is true because I have been a witness of it. And I believe it is authentic. But as he has been making leaps in bounds in other areas of his life his treatment of me has gotten worse and worse. I don’t understand what is going on. I am feeling betrayed and crazy on so many levels. I know people have not seen the sides of him that I have. I don’t want anyone to. I love him. I don’t want anyone to think bad of him but there is this other side to me that is going crazy. That feels betrayed and so hurt. He gets to walk around with puppy and be loved and enjoyed and celebrated. He has changed and progressed so much! And I don’t get my puppy. I don’t get my play. I get to walk around broken, devastated, pretending that everything is ok. And I am not suppose to reach out. I am suppose to stay away from him and avoid him…
…if things are really the way I say they are.
I feel crazy. (And what is worse is that I can see that I have been manipulated to feel this way. And I feel alone here. No one else can see it.)