His Name Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

(Deep Sigh)

And here I am again.  Logically thinking things through.  Him going through my phone and computer — its not about ME.  Its not.  It doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean I should let him but… it is not about me.  It is about him.  It is part of what he is going through.  Some of the symptoms of his trauma is avoiding closeness and relationships, a need for control, a fear of betrayal.  I understand that this does not excuse his behavior toward me but it does call for compassion.  And sometimes the best thing is to have compassion from a far.

My biggest hope and prayer is that He-who-shall-not-be-named and I will come back together.  That we are meant to be together.  That he will let me in.  That I will be the woman called by God to travel this journey with him.  I hope for this because I love him in the deepest parts of me.  My biggest fear is that God has called someone else.  That I will not be the one to love him and stand by him.  Even the thought of that is devastating to me.  Completely.  Down-into-the-marrow-of-my-bones devastating.

You are Crazy and I am out of my Mind

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 29, 2014

I just love you.  Sometimes I try not to because maybe it would hurt less.  But I do.  Love you.  And I believe that love is beautiful.  And it makes me beautiful.  My life: beautiful.  I am happy to know you.  And love you.  Even if it is from a distance.  And all on my own.  And never returned.

Today it is this song.

His Name

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 29, 2014

Someone sent me an email and he was one of the main topics in it.  They used his name.  Panic raced through my body.  I learned not to use his name a long time ago.

I learned this because every so often he would go through my emails and texts. I just let him.  I have nothing to hide.  Although I feel that it is extremely unethical.  It is like reading someone’s mail.  You just don’t do that.  I would not do that even to my family or closest friends.

He never asked, he just did.  I caught him doing it a handful of times.  If he found his name he would grill me about it.  “Who is this person?”  “What did they mean by this?”  “What is this about?”  “Why would they say this?” I have no idea how many times he went through my phone or my computer without me noticing.  One time I noticed and I took my phone from him.  He wanted to know what I was hiding.  I told him I wasn’t hiding anything.  I was just drawing a line.  I didn’t go through his phone or anything!  I spent so much time alone at his house and never went snooping.  Not even once.  Eventually he dragged out of me whatever he wanted to know… I remember it would have been easier to just have kept my mouth shut and let him read all my texts… looking for something to prove that I am false, not telling the truth or whatever he was hoping to find.

For a while I would erase/delete all my texts and emails about him.  I don’t do that anymore.  But I am still paranoid.  Feel crazy.

Song to Myself

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 29, 2014

IMG_1840

Nicole…Please, I know you’re in there…
People are asking where you’ve been
They say have courage, and I’m trying to
I’m right out here for you, just let me in
We only have each other
It’s just you and me
What are we gonna do?
Do you wanna build a Snowman?

 

It Made Me Think of You

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

I have a thing for swings.  I love them.  They are healing to me.  It was a beautiful day.  You picked me up from the airport.  It was a Sunday.  You took me home and then we went to R’s primary program together.  You teased me in the hall.  During the program I scratched your back.  When I stopped you took my hand and returned it to your back so I would continue. Haha. Then on the way home we stopped and bought me tamales from a lady on the side of the road simply because you knew that I loved them.  That moment our eyes connected and held when you lifted me back into the truck lives on in my heart.  We took a nap at my house and then we stopped at the farm.  You pushed me on that swing for about 45 minutes.  Then you took me home with you.  I had no clothes.  Nothing. But you took me home with you and you held me all night.  It was lovely.

Weeks later I was having a hard time. You took me to “the land of the swings.”  You put me on several different swings and pushed me forever.  I can still feel the sunlight on my face.

What happened to us?  What changed?  Did I do something?  I don’t think I did anything that would warrant such a 180 change in your behavior toward me.

I am grieving that loving man that you were once to me.  I know he is still in you.  He is there.  You are just going through something right now.  What ever girl is there when you are loving and whole again is a lucky girl.

I hope that lucky girl is me.

I just want to be by your side.  If these wings could fly.  For the rest of our lives.

It made me think of you.  This song.  The swings.  This song is for you.  I am singing to you.

love

Not Going Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

And I am not ready to give up on you.  I hope I never have to get to that place.

You are so special and so beautiful to me.  When I look into your eyes…I see you.  YOU.  You as you really are.  From the beginning there has been something about your voice, being in your presence that is so comforting to me.  There is a kindness in your eyes.  There is a goodness in your soul.  You may not see it but I do.  You have told me time and again there is a darkness in you.  I see that too.  I am not blind.  But that darkness does not outweigh your good.  It never has and never will.  Because your light is inherit.  It comes from your Father in Heaven.  It comes and is simply because you are His son.  And Heavenly Father loves you.  The greatest part about loving you, He-who-must-not-be-named, is that not only do I get to love you with my love but I get to love you with His love.  God has given me His love for you.  And that love is the greatest joy I have experienced.  It is a gift and I treasure it.  Maybe that is why I am able to see YOU when I look into your eyes.  You are worth being loved.  You are worth being prayed for.  Being patient for.

kfjkn

Not Going

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 27, 2014

Clarity gives me compassion.  When you say mean, rude, heartbreaking things to me…. it is not about me.  Knowing this does not make your treatment to me right in any way.  But it is not about me.  Sometimes I just need to remind myself that this is not core He-who-shall-not-be-named.  It is broken He-who-shall-not-be-named and I cannot trust brokenness.  Somehow I have become a trigger to you.  And right now I am ok with that.  I believe that God will work it to both of our good.  You cannot handle that I care.  It makes you feel and right now you do not know how to deal with feeling.  You haven’t felt in years because you had to turn it off.  I understand that.  That is what you had to do.  But today is different.  Feeling is now a part of your healing.  I am not sorry for making you feel.  I know you do not want me to love you.  That you don’t feel that you deserve it on so many levels.  I am not going to try to make you accept my love.  That is not possible, but at the same time my love is not going to change.  It is unconditional.  Even if we never become anything.  Even if we are never friends… this love that I have for you… It will always be there for you.  It is not going anywhere.  I am not going anywhere.

IMG_1402See this face? Not going anywhere.

 

Deeply

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 24, 2014

I did not know how deeply I could love until I met you.  I am grateful for this love even though I have no idea what to do with it now.

You called last night and we talked.  We talked about nothing in particular and it was good.  And it left me confused.  Oh, I was confused before we spoke but even more so after.  I realize that most likely, you will never accept my love.  And that makes me sad.  Part of me feels that no one could ever love you as deeply as I do.  Another part of me hopes that someone will and you will accept her love.  It pains me to think about but it also fills me with consolation.  Because you need that love.  Right now the thought of not being that person in your life shatters my insides and makes it difficult to breathe.

And I just want to be loved back too.

I did not know how deeply I could love until I met you.

IMG_1112

When this picture was taken…I was thinking of you.

Ashamed

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 22, 2014

 I remember the first time you told me I needed to date other guys.  You told me that is why I am not married yet – because I haven’t put myself out there enough.  I haven’t had enough experience with men. I needed to have my heart broken.  That you wouldn’t “date” me or even consider me if I didn’t start going out with guys.  You gave me a deadline.  I had to go out with 3 times with at least 2 different men by December 13th.  The guys had to think they were real dates and believe there was possibility.  That you wouldn’t spend time with me unless I did this.  I told you I wouldn’t do that.  I wouldn’t treat another person that way.  That I didn’t feel a need to date other guys. I knew how I felt about you and going out on a few dates wasn’t going to change that.

I never went out on those dates.  I drew a line.  i would not give you control there.  You followed up with me.  Told me that because I didn’t go out on those dates I didn’t really love you.  If I loved you I would have done this.  I told you that was bull and you knew it.  That you couldn’t manipulate me with talk like that.  You laughed and told me that was my choice, that you didn’t really care and then you moved the conversation in another direction.

A guy at church made a comment about this girl he dated.  You decided he was talking about me.  You told me about it.  I said that it probably wasn’t me because I never dated this guy.  You asked me why this guy was saying he did then.  I said I had no clue.  I have never gone on a single date with him or even spent time alone with him.  You kept persisting that this guy was talking about when him and I dated.  I didn’t know what else to say to you.  I asked you if you thought I was lying.  You responded with, “well why would this guy lie?”

You want me to date other guys.  You told me I haven’t had enough experience.  Why would I lie and pretend I haven’t dated someone?

And somehow I feel ashamed.  That I did something wrong.  That I am that bad guy.  You are not even the bad guy here.  You are not bad.  You are not the problem.  You just have a lot of problems.  And I still love you.

I feel guilty for writing a lot of these stories.  That I am sharing them.  I feel like I should keep them secret because I want to protect you.