HALLELUJAH

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

I woke up this morning with such a heaviness in my chest I felt like my heart was going to drop through my body, rip through my chest like an anchor out onto the bed.  I was in the fetal position, tight like a ball.  My shoulders curled into each other like magnets.  Pain.

I am supposed to wake-up in another hour and start my day.  I don’t know how.  At this moment I do not know how to exist.  How do I exist today?

Where are you in this God? Where did you go? Please, I am begging you to lift this, change my feelings, anything!  They say “hallelujah” means “God save us now.”

HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH

sunset over ranch

WTF Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

And I miss you.  I hate not texting you or hearing from you throughout the day.  I miss your voice and your sweet eyes.  I miss your puns and your silly jokes.  I miss your rantings and the way your thoughts connect and lead into the next.  I like your random facts and the way you would patiently explain things to me.  I miss being in your presence.  From the first time I felt just a calmness in my soul that I had never felt before.  I felt safe.  Safe to be alone with you.  Safe to be vulnerable.  Freedom to be me and every side of me.  You used to be my war council.  I hate that you can no longer be that person to me.  I hate that I no longer feel safe.  I hate that I became so afraid to buy bread at the store for fear I would buy the wrong one.  That’s not right.  That is not healthy.

And I hate me for missing you.  You hurt me and I miss you.  I hate that you don’t love me.  That you don’t think about me.  That you could so easily stop talking to me.  And I miss you.

I am a mess.  I am such a mess.  And you are right, nobody wants that.

WTF

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

In the beginning I was beautiful.  You told me I was beautiful.   That I had a great body.  That I was your weakness. That you had a hard time being near me because all you could think about was seducing me.  You told me I was smart, more intelligent than most.  That you loved spending time with me, talking with me because I could keep up with your your ramblings.  You loved that I asked questions when I didn’t know or understand what you were talking about.  You would carry me to bed.  You would hold me in your arms while I slept.  You would freak out when you thought I was leaving…but I was only going to the bathroom. You always texted me to make sure I made it home safely.  You would dislike people who made me feel less than I am.  You would become frustrated when I let people take advantage of me.  You aways talked about how special I was.  How I am everything any man would want.  You couldn’t believe that I hadn’t dated more.  That I didn’t get much attention from guys.  You always wanted to know what was going on in my head, what I was feeling.  You wanted to help me in every way possible.  You supported my dreams and believed that I could achieve them.  You helped me find ways to achieve them.

By the end I was stupid.  I was lazy and entitled.  I was the most annoying girl.  The whiniest girl ever.  And that is why no one wants me.  That once you got to know me you haven’t liked me.  You told me that I had a choice to make.  If I didn’t change you would never speak to me again.

Its been two weeks and you have kept your word.

All I Want to do is Love You

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

 I don’t know where to draw the line.  Honestly I hate that there has to be line.  I wish there didn’t have to be a line.

I love you.  So many in your life have given up on you.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I never want to give up on you or abandon you.  But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself.  I already have.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I saw my family they didn’t either.  I am just a shell.  How did this happen?  How did I become this woman?  What happened to us?

I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.”  How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.”  That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.

(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)

All I want to do is love you.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU

And I do.

love you

My Decision to Stay

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

“The moment you fall in love feels like it has centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are just now arriving at the place you were always meant to be.” -David Levithan

I love him.  I really, really love him.  And my love for him is one of the most beautiful things I experience.  I have in my journal all the reasons I love this man but most of it … this love, I can’t explain or put into words that do it justice.  So many people when asked how they knew that is the person they were to be with reply with “you just know.”  And I will say… that is true.  But what happens when the other person doesn’t “know” back?  Does it make my love not real or invalid or mistaken?  I don’t believe so.

Round about a month ago “I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.”  I took pictures as proof of my decision to look at when I think about changing my mind.  I look at them more often than I would like to admit.  And this might be cheese, but I feel super brave sharing them.

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keep kind and carry on

What I Feel in This Moment

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 15, 2014

 “Somewhere between right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field and I will meet you there.” Rumi

At this point all I want is peace between us.  If there is nothing, never anything else – let there be peace.

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Peace

First Published: January 15, 2014 Into Heartbreak and Back

 “True peace must not be dependent upon conditions and happenings.  Peace must stem from inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self.  It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.” -Marvin J Ashton

This quote offers me perspective.  In no way does it diminish or invalidate my pain or circumstance.  It just says, “Hey girl, you can experience peace while still in the deep pit.  In the midst of this dark, what feels like eternal night there is still the moon.”  I may feel it’s light.  Please Father, help me feel your light.

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keep kind and carry on

Permission Slips

First Published: January 14, 2014 Into Heartbreak and Back

Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

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keep kind and carry on