I don’t know where to draw the line. Honestly I hate that there has to be line. I wish there didn’t have to be a line.
I love you. So many in your life have given up on you. I don’t want to be one of those people. I never want to give up on you or abandon you. But at the same time I can’t sacrifice myself. I already have. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. When I saw my family they didn’t either. I am just a shell. How did this happen? How did I become this woman? What happened to us?
I know you have never seen the movie Good Will Hunting but there is this scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver that reminds me of all the “discussions” we had about “how I don’t really love you,” about how what I feel for you “couldn’t be real love.” How you are just some “mission” for me, someone I am trying to “save.” That I only want you for your “money” or your “hot body.” That I “couldn’t possibly love” you.
(pretty sure you were never wearing a shirt for any of our conversations either)
All I want to do is love you.
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU
And I do.
This was written almost 7 months ago to the day. I can’t even. I cannot believe that I have not seen you in so long. Heard your voice. In 7 months nothing has changed with the way I feel about you. Love doesn’t go away. Even after the way you treated me. I can’t watch this video clip. Or this movie anymore. It is such a trigger for me.
I never had an agenda with you. I wouldn’t even know how to. I am too simple. All I wanted to do was be around you. Sit close to you. All I want to do is love you.
I forgive myself for buying into the notion that I am… lazy. I hate that word. Lazy. There is so much shame attached to it. It is ugly. It doesn’t feel good. Years ago I gave up the word “fat.” I don’t use it any more. Ever. Only in terms of “I am cutting the fat off this meat” kind of thing. Fat. I don’t like that word. There are so many negative connotations to it. So I stopped using it. I have decided to do the same thing with “lazy.” Gone. Its out of here! No more!
Because I am not lazy. I work long and I work hard. And it is ok that my work does not look the same as yours. I also take time to care for myself. I unwind. I take naps. I spend hours NOT multitasking. I play. And maybe you don’t take time to do those things and that is okay. We don’t need to be the same. But that does not mean I am lazy.
And AND Guess what else??!! You are not lazy either!
“The actions of greatest moral gravity are the ones we originate, not the ones we suffer.” -givens
Every second. Every single second is so hard. I try to pretend. I hope all the times I put on a happy face, or at least an okay face, it is believable. I remember the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun, when Frances is talking about her divorce she says something along the lines of something like that should instantly kill you. “It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck.” It should.
“Grief goes with you every day (Lea Michelle).” And that is what I am doing. I am grieving. Grieving the love lost. The love that I do not know where to put. The life that I will never have with him. The dream of the life with him. I am grieving him, my dear sweet Guy On a Buffalo.
And what I suffer is not as important as how I suffer through it.
“They say they built the train tracks over the alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip… they built it anyway. They know one day the train would come. Any arbitrary turn along the way, and I would be elsewhere. I would be different. What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen… even late in the game. It’s such a surprise.” -under the tuscan sun
So yesterday I shared a link to this new blog of mine on Facebook. I felt ok. I felt pretty good. Until about 2am. I woke up and was having none of it. I just couldn’t do it. I took the link down. I have no idea what is up with me. I’m just feeling so confused. I feel such a pull to share certain parts of my story with the world. I have prayed about it and felt peace. But on the other hand, I don’t want anyone to know some of the hard things I have been through. The hard things are important to me. I hold them close.
Over the past year everything about myself have been picked away, tossed about and left damaged. I am still lifting the pieces of my confidence and self worth. The reconstruction of this beautiful city called my soul is slow and filled with many setbacks and delays. What has been rebuilt is very fragile. I know that sharing my story has the power to make me stronger. But it also leaves me vulnerable to more hurt. So please, be gentle with me.
I watched this video with my kids this morning. It touched my heart and I cried. I have been doing a lot of running. Here are some recent pictures I have taken on my runs. I couldn’t help myself. So beautiful. A friend of mine asked me about a week ago, where/when do I feel the most peace? I have been pondering on this. One answer is when I am running outdoors. Being outside in the midst of God’s creations always helps me to feel peace. So does pushing my body and making it stronger. My body is a gift Heavenly Father has given me. I love the feeling that resides when I am doing my best to care for it.
“I think He knew that life would be really hard sometimes, so He made a beautiful world to help make us happy.”