11 is a true Cali boy…accept he is not from California.  He is the master flirt.  I watched him flirt it up will all the girls.  11 was always taking the girls out.  I remember him coming to sit in the theatre seat next to me, trying to work his charms.  I barely cracked a smile.  I was like, “please.”  I could see right into him. He was so sweet and so… young.  11 tried so hard to not be gay, to not appear gay.  It was overkill.  And that is ok.  Each person has their own ways, own goals, and ability to work through things.

Later I heard 11 had a boyfriend. Apparently they were holding hands under the table during a staff meeting.  I am not sure if that means he had a boyfriend or not. I am not going to lie.  There was a part of me that was sad but never surprised.  Never.

Dear 11, Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are seeing…I hope you are happy and well and wish you the best.


I only meet you twice before the phone call.  We hadn’t even had a REAL conversation.  It was around midnight when you called me and asked me to come over to your place, you really needed to talk to ME about something.  I barely knew you but I agreed.  But if I am being honest, I was kind of nervous.  I knew very little about you and it was the middle of the night.

When I got there your two roommates quickly excused themselves, “we’ll leave you two to talk.”  The tone in your roommate’s voice was very suggesting…you know, the tone accompanied by the raised eyebrows.  By now I was really on edge.  I had no idea what was going on.  Did I miss something? 31 sat super close to me on the couch.  He was all smiles.  31 asked if I knew that he was gay.  I told him it was very obvious to me.  Then he told me he was really bi.  Ok.  No problem.  This is the part of the story where it gets good.  31 wanted to serve a mission.  He wanted to know what he should do.  How to deal with his attraction.  What about his past?  Did I have any advice because I know a lot of gays.  How do they reconcile.  How did I reconcile my gay friends with the gospel.

Wow.  That was a long conversation.  The truth is I had very few answers for him that night.  I only had my testimony.  We both could feel the spirit as we talked about Heavenly Father’s plan for his children, the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the blessing that come from missionary service.

31 never served a mission.  31 met a guy and moved in with him.  When I found out I was devastated.  I was.  As I am writing this all those sad feelings are coming back.

Since the talk 31 and I became really good friends.  He told me he was afraid to tell me about his boyfriend.  He knew my love for him would not change but he also knew that I would not go unaffected.  He did not want to see the disappointment on my face and I didn’t hide it.   I did not hide my disappointment because I refused to pretend like it is no big deal or that it didn’t matter to me.  And by this point I was sick of pretending I was ok with things that I was not.  And besides, I love 31.  I love him.


Me: So I need some advice about this guy I like.

39: Why are you asking me?

Me: Because you are a man.

39: Yeah but I am gay.

Me: I’m aware.

39: I think you should ask someone else.

This was the first time I met a gay man who couldn’t give me good man advice.  I mean what is the use of having gay friends if they won’t girl talk with you?

(Yes I realize that way of thinking is very stereotypical)


If you are married to a gay man…

and things are not going well, my heart goes out to you.

My last post reminded me of an experience that happened a few years ago. I met this guy at the USGA meetings. He really bugged me I am not gonna lie. And he always attended the meetings. So I thought that maybe if I got to know him then maybe I would start to like him. So after a meeting we went out to dinner. We had some interesting discussions. One thing I expressed to him were my thoughts about marrying a gay man. He asked for my email and I gave it to him. The very next day I received an email from a woman who did marry a gay man and things went bad. She described in detail all the trials and heartache she went through and then proceeded to tell me how awful I was to even consider the notion that marriage to a gay man could work.

My first instinct was to be offended. And I was a little bit. But I also have compassion for her and anyone in a similar situation. I am sorry that you are going or have gone through those hard things. It is not fair and it is not right what happened to you. I hope you find healing in your heart and love again in your life.

Would I still be open to marrying a man with SGA? Yes. Am I searching for that? Never.

Marry a Gay Man??

finger touch


I do not know how many times I have been hanging with a group of girls when the topic of marrying a gay man comes up.  Someone tells a horror story and suddenly marrying a gay man is the worst thing on the planet.  Yes, I feel this would be true if your marriage sucks or your husband is unfaithful.  Completely agree.  But would it be the worst thing?  I don’t think so.  I mean, watch this video:

Seriously, having a husband who is addicted to porn sounds way worse, but that is just me. I personally believe that pornography has bad spirits attached to it.  I believe porn corrupts character among other things.  And being just being attracted to the same-sex does not.  So it is not as scary to me.  But maybe that is because I know so many great gay men. I do not plan on marrying any of them but I know each would honor our marriage and I believe we would have a solid happy life together.

So there you go. Marry the crap out of me. xoxo

#8 An Introduction…

IF you do not personally know a gay person who lives the gospel fully and is very happy its ok, I do.

8 and I used to speculate a lot about why there are so many gay people in my life.  Am I going to have a gay child?  Maybe I will marry a gay man?  I do not speculate any more.  I am tired.  Besides I am off the gay.

Just a few nights ago I was telling my roommate that “it is ok that I do not have a boyfriend.  All I need is a gay man.”  Boy, did she let me have it.  No more gay men for me.  Gay men are like my drug and I am no longer using.


#32, #15, #41 and really everyone…

This song is for you! Orchids by Maria Taylor

I won’t get mad
And I won’t break in two
‘Cause I understand you
I’ll take this change
And let my clothes soak with rain
As I study orchid blooms
And some can’t live unless they feed on fallen leaves
And so you’ll let me down to come alive when you comfort me

I’ve watched you change,
I’ve heard your words rearrange
Way back from the start
And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope it was to love with all your heart
And they open wide with imperfect symmetry
And so you’ll love like you, and I will love like me

And to be reborn
They have to go to seed
So angel, you will have to set me free

#17 So this one time… you were really funny… and I peed my pants…

17 and I had a special date where we met in Salt Lake.  We had dinner.  Did we have dinner?  I actually don’t remember that part.  What I do remember was when we were browsing through the romance books at Barnes and Noble,  17 and I were playing this game where we would take turns reading the back of a romance book.  I would choose the book for 17 and he would choose the book for me.  Then we would have to read the back of the book in a sexy voice.  It was a really fun game.  I died laughing and peed all over myself after about the 4th or 5th book.  Like, really peed.  We went to the girls bathroom but there was nothing to be done but tie my coat around my waist.  Unfortunately we had to say goodbye after that.  I had to drive back to Provo so I could change my undies.  True story.

#32 Spring 2012

Heavenly Father, Thank you for your commandments, for faith and for fasting.  Thank you for Jesus Christ and His power to change souls including my own.  His mighty healing is a wonder to me.  I think I am finally ready to grieve 32  and I am scared.  But I know I will be ok because You and Your Son are there.  But I am not going to lie, I am scared because I know it is going to hurt.