We all knew. We always knew. Sometimes you just can’t hide who you are. Nothing wrong with that. Hope you are doing well #2. Hope you are happy and life has treated you kindly. Same to you #3.
Dear Love, How did you change so fast? It has only been a few months and it is like you are not even the same man. You break my heart. Where has this anger and faithlessness come from? You expect immediate acceptance sometimes even praise from others but you refuse to give others the same. You demand tolerance but deny it from others because they struggle with something different or believe different. You are becoming what you say you hate. You look for reasons to hate something you once loved to validate your choices, to run away from guilt, to cut yourself off from feeling. Why are you looking to place blame? You blame this person. You blame that organization. You speak of what love is but what you give is not love. Because love does not feel like you anymore. Love does not look like you anymore. Your “love” is now for only “people like you.” You say that we need to love everyone like Jesus does… you do not even know Him anymore.
I dont know how to help you anymore. All I have ever tried to do is love you for who you are. When you say some of the things you do it feels like you are throwing my love back in my face. Well guess what? I still love you. I plan to always love you. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, how you hurt me. I will continue to love you. Because to me that is love.
I remember riding in the car with my dad. It was night time. I asked him why God would make 1 gay. My father encouraged me to pray about it. And I did. The revelation I received has guided my life ever sense.
It does not matter why someone is gay. It does not change the way you love them.
For some reason this answer has always been enough for me. No matter who you are, why you are who you are, what you have done or choose to do with your life. I will not love you any differently. This is a choice I have made and I always follow through. Because, you see, I believe how you view another person and treat another person is your choice. You can be mad, angry. You can dislike and hate. OR…you can love. Freely. Forgive. Freely.
Its like in D.A.R.E. where they teach you to say no to drugs before you are tempted. Then when you are offered drugs you are more likely to say no. We can make our choice to love and accept before we know who we are loving and accepting.
1 is a dream. He is someone worth knowing. I cannot imagine my first few years of college life without him. The last time I saw him face to face was about 3 years ago. He looked handsome and was very charming. I have not talked talked to him in a long time now. We text every now and then. I think he is having a rough time. I love this man. I know that God loves him. I wonder if 1 knows that God loves him. If he feels that God cares about what happens in his life. I know 1 is important to Heavenly Father.
Heavenly Father, please PLEASE wherever 1 is at tonight, whatever he is doing…somehow help him to feel you close to him. To feel your loving arms around him. Please help him to feel he matters. Even if it is only a small moment. I love him. He is special to me. I need to let him know….right now. Thank you for this man. Thank you.
Hear me tell the story here:
Let me introduce myself. I am Nicole. There is nothing special about me. I am just me. I grew up in a small town and in a small family. I am fairly religious. I like movies, music and anything wrapped in chocolate. I wear pantyhose in the winter and burn easily in the summer. I think naughty words in my head and try to treat others kindly. I am just a little girl with a little life in a little city…with a lot of gays. Something you should know about me right off the bat is that I attract gays. No really. I do. I have been told it is my hair. I don’t know if I believe that but it is what I tend to go with.
I do not know if anyone will ever read this. If not, that is ok. The purpose of this blog is for me to have an outlet for my voice. You know those thoughts inside your head that you never share because of what others may think? Yeah, this is for those. This is also for those experiences that have shaped who I am and who I will become. Lets begin with gay number one, I mean, experience number one, shall we??
I remember the first time I met 1. It was my freshman year of college. We were standing in the hallway of the music building. I ballet danced up to him and introduced myself. Not sure what all we talked about but by the end of our conversation we had plans to watch Flashdance in my dorm room and share a bag of Oreos that night.
I mean…there you go. Pretty darn sure we all knew he was gay before he was officially out-and-about gay. So when 1 came out to my friends and I it was no surprise. What did come as a surprise to me was how scared and devastated he was. He was crying. Afraid of what we would think of him. Afraid that God didn’t love him. He confided that he had spent many hours praying that God would take his attraction away from him. That he could be normal. I remember sitting there just staring at him. I was thinking to myself: how am I going to show him that I love him just the way that he is. How am I going to show him that God loves him too.
And that is what my life has been about ever since.