Fear of Follow-Through

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely. -Gabrielle Bernstein. This is my mantra for the day.

I have been wanting to do Beachbody’s program Hammer and Chisel since it was announced in July. Something about it drew me to it. I counted down the days until it was released in December. I ordered it the program a few weeks ago and have anxiously waited for it to arrive in the mail.

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When it came I was  so excited! I poured over all the material, read every word and began to plan my attack. I calendared my workouts. I planed my meals. So so ready…..and I didn’t start. The excitement was gone. I told myself I didn’t need to be excited I just needed to begin. But I didn’t begin. I thought maybe if I “prepared” more I would be ready to dive in so I went out and bought a new workout outfit. And……nothing.

I thought, “what is wrong with me?” I was so frustrated with myself and I knew it was time to get honest with myself. So I had a come to Jesus talk. Sometimes facing the truth about myself feels like the hardest thing. Because it is. And I do not have all the answers but I did come to some conclusions.

I have a huge, overwhelming fear of follow-through. There are very few things in my life I have seen to completion. And if I were to follow-through with this program in the timetable I have set for myself I would PROVE MYSELF WRONG.

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Meaning, I have carried these notions about myself that are not true. But a huge part of myself believes them to be true. That I do not finish what I start. I do not keep promises to myself. I am a letdown. I am a failure. I am not capable of success. I am worthless. And if I were to follow-through with the promises I make to myself- I would prove myself wrong. I would show myself THE REAL TRUTH. That I am amazing. That I am a finisher. That I do not give up. I persever. I overcome. I am a leader. I do what I say I am going to do. I am successful. I am capable of creating the life I want for myself. I make my dreams come true. THAT IS THE TRUTH. And I am afraid of it. I hold myself back. I stand in my own way. And I have not figured it out yet. I do not know all the reasons why or how to reverse it. But today….

I don’t dance around the perimeter of the person I want to be. I step in fully and completely.

That is what I am choosing today.

I freaking love being a Beachbody coach. It gives me purpose and an outlet for my voice. The past few weeks have been discouraging to me as a coach. A few people have quit. And I get it. But I am also so very sad. In my heart of hearts I wish that they would have not given up on themselves so easily. I wish they would have given themselves more time. More of a chance. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF and I AM FIGHTING FOR IT. It is hard. And it hurts. This business makes one come face to face with the false beliefs we carry about ourselves.

My fear of follow through, and all the contributes to it is NOT SERVING ME. Its not. And I am over it. Today I am choosing to do something about it.  Part of me is so in love with this strong, powerful body of mine. It does everything I ask it to do. It serves me well. But another part of me wants to hide from it. I feel it is not attractive and…I am embarrassed by it. So this journey of mine is not only to love my body where it is at but to gain confidence inside and out. To become stronger inside and out. To treat myself like I love myself. Because I do. I know that I do.

So I went to the little gym today at my apartment complex. I took my computer with me to stream Hammer and Chisel. And I was self-conscious because there were other people in there. And I had to modify EVERY move. And I had to press pause. And I cried a little. And I finished it. And it was so hard. All of it. But I showed up for myself and I feel AMAZING. I feel strong and proud. And guess what, it was fun! And I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow! Who knew that would be the end result! My date with myself was a success!

I dont dance

Dear 2016

I have decided to start dating again.

First step: Create opportunity for myself to even talk to a man! Haha. But true. You know its true!

So I am online. For a month. I have no problem with online dating but I will say it is making me depressed.

I don’t know. I just don’t know…

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What I do know is that the struggle is real and my confidence is low. And the only way to gain confidence is to create experiences for myself that will build myself.

Meaning, exercise the crap out of myself. Physical movement gives me strength. This is not about losing weight. It is about becoming stronger. And I need to take physical steps as well as mental ones to become stronger.

So for 2016 I am my own lover. And the gym is where I will be dating myself.

Over the next week I am going to get real with my goals and plan them out. To hold myself accountable to this I am hosting a 7 Days Guide to Goal Setting and Achieving group on Facebook. All are welcome.

If we linger

Winter is Hard

I love Stephanie Neilson’s blog. I have read it for years. Stephanie uses her blog as her journal. I admire her way of documenting her life and I would like to do the same. So… blogging/journaling is one of my goals of 2016!

Winter is hard. Reruns of Project Runway and Teen Mom make it better but winter is hard. It is cold and dark. I feel sad and unmotivated. I feel like I have to work twice as hard to be on top of my game mentally/emotionally.

I am so grateful I have Huck. I am sure he is going stir crazy in my little apartment. I am so glad I have him. He helps to make my house a home. He is a wonderful companion. I worry about him when I am not home. I hate leaving him and often feel great guilt.

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Another 2016 goal is a bra goal. Yep. I have a goal bra. I used to be a 36DD now I am a 34D and my goal is to be a 30C. Hahaha. Most women lose weight in the chest area first. Not me. I seem to lose it there close to last. Other than fitting into my goal bra I do not have weight goals for 2016. But I sure do have STRENGTH goals. I want to be strong. I am starting Hammer and Chisel here soon and I am excited and scared. EEEk. So out of my comfort zone in the best of ways! I need to challenge myself in this way.

PicMonkey Collage

Today I  changed the bag in my vacuum.  I opened it up to discover how my dad rigged the last bag so it would last longer. He used a bobby pin and paperclip. I loved it so much. I laughed. It made me happy. I love my daddy so very much. I am grateful him and my mom in my life. They do so much to take care of me. I would not survive without them!

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And this is totally my jam right now!

7 Days That Changed Me

Earlier this month I participated in a free 7 Day Wake-Up challenge group on Facebook. IT. WAS. AMAZING. No kidding. This is how it worked: I was added to a private FB group where every morning I had to be up by 7am and prove it with a selfie. Haha! Those early morning selfies were pretty hot! But it was great! There were daily assignments such as making your bed, drinking warm water with lemon, starting your day with a positive up-beat tune. It was a lot of fun! Everyone in the group was posting encouraging thoughts throughout the day.  We were sharing our struggles and cheering each other on. As participants, we lived all over the country. Along the way we earned points for the positive habits we were creating. At the end of the week there was a winner and I WON! Hot Dog! I actually won something! How about that:) Being a part of this group was uplifting.  It changed my life. I needed this group. Thanks goes out to my friend, Shante’ for coaching us through those rough mornings! You are excellent!

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Many of you know that for the past couple of years I have been hosting Biggest Losers contests via email. Some tanked but others were CRAZY successful. All together over 300 pounds were lost! You did that! Amazing! Because I have loved hosting the Biggest Loser contests and because I loved the set-up of the 7 Day Wake-Up challenge I have decided to combine the two and become a Beachbody Coach! Do What??? I AM A BEACHBODY COACH! Raise the Roof!

What is Beachbody? P90X. Insanity. Brazilian Butt Lift. ChaLean. These are all Beachbody workouts and there are many more! As a Beachbody coach I will be running 30 day, 60 day, 90 day challenges.  These will be private accountability groups on FB (like the 7 Day Wake-Up challenge). There will be daily check-ins and assignments. Major accountability and encouraging support. But here is the thing… Yes I believe in being fit physically but I also strongly believe in being fit mentally, spiritually and emotionally. That is why I will also be coaching FREE 7 day, 10 day, whatever day challenges. These will be Clean-Eating challenges, Training-Yourself-To-Drink-a-Gallon-O-Water a day challenges (needs a better name), Positive Self-Talk challenges – Whatever you need, let me know and I will coach an accountability group for it! We are in this together!! We need each other. We can support each other in making positive changes in our lives. That is what I will be organizing and facilitating as a Beachbody coach.

One of my first free challenge groups is going to be a Preparing for Change group. A 12 day class where we will be making small changes in our lives to prepare us for making the big changes! Remember this BLOG POST? Yeah, along those lines. I am so excited about it!

I am hosting these challenges, I am a Beachbody coach #1: For me. Hosting challenges keeps me accountable for my own change, my own growth. #2: I am a Beachbody coach for the same reason I hosted the Biggest Loser contests: For You! Who ever YOU are. I love you. I love helping you reach your goals.

I am channeling my inner Chris Powell. My inner Jillian Michaels. My inner Bob Greene. My inner Oprah Whinfrey. I am Channeling Diana. I am channeling me. The little girl inside of me trying desperately to heal. The girl who is learning to accept her flawed, imperfect, lovely self. Who is learning to love herself and set herself free. I am channeling Nicole.

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