Thanksgiving Day

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

IMG_1476

I said to him a few times how I loved this tree so he took a picture.

Today I give myself permission to love him anyway.  To cry and grieve.  To be angry and hurt. To be sad and mourn all that was good.  To believe that it may one day be good again.  To be afraid that it may not.

Beautiful Beautiful tree.  Beautiful Sunlight.

keep kind and carry on.

 

My Decision to Stay

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 16, 2014

“The moment you fall in love feels like it has centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are just now arriving at the place you were always meant to be.” -David Levithan

I love him.  I really, really love him.  And my love for him is one of the most beautiful things I experience.  I have in my journal all the reasons I love this man but most of it … this love, I can’t explain or put into words that do it justice.  So many people when asked how they knew that is the person they were to be with reply with “you just know.”  And I will say… that is true.  But what happens when the other person doesn’t “know” back?  Does it make my love not real or invalid or mistaken?  I don’t believe so.

Round about a month ago “I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.”  I took pictures as proof of my decision to look at when I think about changing my mind.  I look at them more often than I would like to admit.  And this might be cheese, but I feel super brave sharing them.

IMG_1501 IMG_1499 IMG_1498 IMG_1497 IMG_1496 IMG_1495IMG_1494 IMG_1493 IMG_1492 IMG_1491 IMG_1490 IMG_1489

keep kind and carry on

Permission Slips

First Published: January 14, 2014 Into Heartbreak and Back

Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

IMG_1990

 

keep kind and carry on

I Foresee Pushback

Okay.  I do not know if I am going to be able to express what I am wanting to in the way I want to.  But I am going to do my best.  

There are people who have your back have your back.  And then there are people who are good people and good friends/family who have your back….but not really.  They have your back but not if it does not benefit them.  The moment they can take advantage, manipulate or throw you under the bus they will.  Maybe not on purpose, maybe not with the intent to cause harm.  But when it comes down to the core – they don’t do the right thing.  They do what benefits them the most.  They don’t come through.  They don’t do you a solid.

I must have walked through my life thus far with a big sign on my head screaming, “Take advantage of me!  I will take it and not say a word!”  And that is 100% my issue.  

But no more.

I will take no more.  On any level.  I believe in forgiveness but forgiveness does not mean my time and energy and another opportunity to take me down.  So friends, just putting it out there, if you are “going to have my back” -then have my back.  If not, I love you and I wish you only goodness.  Because this girl has been through too much sh** this year to knowingly put herself through any more.  Boundaries.  I now have boundaries.  

The other day my therapist challenged me to be the leader in loving myself.  Having more firm boundaries of what treatment I will tolerate is loving myself.  In fact, it is more than that.  It is respecting myself.  It is loving and respecting the people around me.  Brene Brown has said, “The most compassionate people that I’ve ever interviewed… happened to be the most boundaried. They happened to be the people who had very, very clear boundaries about what they were willing to do, what they were not willing to do, what they were willing to take on, and what they were not willing to take on. One of the things that shifted for me, was this idea that maybe everyone – myself included – maybe everyone’s doing the best they can. But sometimes, that means that I don’t have to engage.”

To those of you who have my back have my back.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I have needed you.  You have kept me alive.  If I never have the chance to repay you I know Karma will.  You have a lot of good coming your way.  

IMG_2806

Serious.

Keep Calm and Carry On. xoxo

Because I Am

January 15 2014

Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

IMG_1989

Banning Lazy

I forgive myself for buying into the notion that I am… lazy.  I hate that word. Lazy. There is so much shame attached to it. It is ugly. It doesn’t feel good. Years ago I gave up the word “fat.” I don’t use it any more. Ever. Only in terms of “I am cutting the fat off this meat” kind of thing. Fat. I don’t like that word. There are so many negative connotations to it. So I stopped using it. I have decided to do the same thing with “lazy.” Gone. Its out of here! No more!

Because I am not lazy. I work long and I work hard. And it is ok that my work does not look the same as yours. I also take time to care for myself. I unwind. I take naps. I spend hours NOT multitasking. I play. And maybe you don’t take time to do those things and that is okay. We don’t need to be the same. But that does not mean I am lazy.

And AND Guess what else??!! You are not lazy either!

I am banning “lazy!” Who is with me?? xoxo

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u_yi9axVRM]

Permission

IMG_3599

I am a believer and a practicer of giving myself permission. From giving myself permission to fail and fail big to permission to succeed.  I have given myself permission to stay in bed all day when I have needed it.  On other days when staying in bed is what I wanted but far from what I needed I gave myself permission to get moving and hate it. Haha.  The key is to only give myself permission to do or think things that are in-line with my truth. For example, eating cake for dinner is  in-line with my truth but eating cake every day is not.  Standing up for myself: In-line with my truth. Name calling: Never. See how this goes?  The picture above is my most current permission slip.  The one below was made in January.

IMG_2019

And here are some random pictures of my younger sister and I just because.  These were taken in May??? I think

IMG_2525 IMG_2528

A Change Will Do You Good/A Lesson In Gratitude

IMG_3330

Have you ever wanted to make a change in your life but just couldn’t seem to follow through? Whether it be diet, exercise, not being “lazy”, ect…  Maybe you started off strong and with excitement but couldn’t keep the momentum going. You became overcome with failure and/or fatigue.

First off, let me tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We tell ourselves a thousand excuses.  We are too busy, tired, other obligations and responsibilities get in the way.  All the while knowing these. are. excuses.  Shame builds.  Our desires to change are deep, true and real so why can’t we change!! Why are we not disciplined enough, engaged enough, whatever enough to actually create change in our lives??!!

We have all been there and are maybe there right now.  I know I have and I am. It is frustrating to say the least. But please, cut yourself some slack.  Right now, give yourself permission to practice self love. We have to be READY to change.  Having a firm desire to change is not the same as being READY to change. You cannot force yourself to change any more than you can force a paper-cut to heal.  The wound heals in its own time.  Having that said, there are things you can do to help it heal.  You can treat it, clean it, take care of it.  The same with change.  There are things you can do to ready yourself for it, to prepare for it.

I am working on a series of posts about Change.  About PREPARING for making change happen in our lives.

The first thought I offer you — is to think.  Recall times in your life where you have successfully made positive changes.  What led you there? For me, looking back, I can now clearly identify preparation that I wasn’t even aware I was making.  God was preparing me.  He was using people and cicumstance. He was using experience and creating opportunity.   Heavenly Father was putting everything thing in place for me to change- even when I was working against Him.

I believe we have the ability to see God’s preparation in our lives in real-time.  While it is happening. We can do this through gratitude.  Being grateful opens our eyes to truth. If you desire to make a change, if you can feel in the marrow of your bones that change is coming… practice gratitude.

Whether you keep a journal or a list on your phone.  Maybe you document it with pictures you share on Instagram or Facebook.  However you choose to express your gratitude, Make it happen.  By being grateful you will begin to open your mind for the changes you want to make.