Overcoming Fear of Follow-Through

I have a huge fear of follow-through. You can read more about that here:

Fear of Follow-Through

 I have been trying to figure out how to overcome this fear and what I have learned so far is how complex this all really is. I cannot even begin to explain to you how frustrating this all is. I have struggled to know where to start.

Every Monday afternoon I attend an institute class entitled Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel. I love attending this class. It calms me. It centers me. I always feel the spirit.

This past week in class I learned something through the spirit.

We read in the Bible, in the New Testament, the accounts of the Savior’s time in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is where Christ took upon our pains, sins, weaknesses, temptations, our sorrows and our afflictions. Before, Christ could intellectual understand all we have and will ever go through but here, in this garden, is where He literally experienced every thing we have and will experience so that He would literally know how to come to us, to comfort us, to heal us. See Mark 14:33-36

The verses that spoke to my heart specifically were Luke 22: 39-44. In verse 42 we learn that Christ gave up His will to His Father. To us. He drank the bitter cup. He surrendered. And after He did so, help was sent. Verse 43: And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

Heavenly Father ALWAYS sends us help. But first we must accept what is. Often in life the bitter cup is before us. And when it is not removed we have a choice. Do we drink it? I know that when I do, help is always sent and I make it through. Not only do I make it through but I am lifted higher. My character becomes more refined. I become more compassionate and generous. And my testimony of my Savior is strengthened. There is peace in the middle of all that is hard. In the middle of all that I feel is wrong and somehow, all inside of me is made right.

In testifying of the Savior’s Atonement, Elder Neal A. Maxwell shared, “When the agony came in its fulness, it was so much, much worse than even He with his unique intellect had ever imagined!… The cumulative weight of all mortal sins- past, present, and future- pressed upon that perfect, sinless, and sensitive Soul! All our infirmities and sicknesses were somehow, too, a part of the awful arithmetic of the Atonement… His suffering- as it were, enormity multiplied by infinity- evoked His later soul-cry on the cross, and it was a cry of forsakenness.”

My fear of follow-through will be overcome through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I just know it. I don’t know how but I am surrendering the need to know how. I just know it will be done. It will be done as I seek the Lord’s inspiration and turn to Him in my weakness. I believe He makes all things right including my imperfect, false beliefs about myself.

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Your Birthday/My Ritual

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on February 7, 2014

 Tomorrow is your birthday.  You will be 27.  I know you hate your birthday.  Oh how I want to acknowledge it in some way.  I will probably give in and send you a text.  Already planning to.  I will most likely send something like “Wonderful day to you!”  But what I really want to say to you He-who-must-not-be-named is…

I am glad you were born.  

I was reading about grief today.  Just feeling the loss, you know?  This is what I came across “Create your own ritual. Most cultures have ceremonies to mark death. A ritual marking any loss helps us to acknowledge that the loss is real. It is a way to honor the loss, and to separate the past from the present. When faced with any kind of a loss, feel free to create any kind of ceremony that holds meaning for you.”

So tomorrow, February 8th, I will begin my new annual ritual to celebrate you and my love for you and my loss of you.  In the morning I will go to the temple and spend time with my Savior.  Then I will meet a friend to share all the wonderful beautiful memories of you with.  And all the hard heartbreaking ones too.  Then I will do something special for myself like get my hair done or maybe my toes.  Pamper myself.  I will close the night by watching “Good Will Hunting” because Matt Damon’s character reminds me so much of you in so many ways.  And it hurts too much to dream of you right now so maybe I will go to sleep dreaming of Matt Damon.  Haha.

And I will give myself permission to love you anyway.  To love you forever.  To pray for your healing and recovery.  To pray (without judgement) that somehow, someday we will end up together.  Sealed.  Grow old.  Babies.  Grand babies.  Permission to cry.  More than once.  Over and over.  To bury my heart.  Set it free.  Release it.  Whatever the day calls for.  I give myself permission…

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Following Christ

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

 Someone posted this as their status on good ole’ Facebook:

“Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed [Christian]. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way ‘never faileth.'”
— Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Reading this triggered a lot of emotions in me…. mainly upsetness.  The first 25 times I read this -my mind concluded either the statement is false or I am not a good enough disciple of Christ.

I have never felt like I have followed Christ more in any area of my life, including my mission, than in my relationship with He-who-must-not-be-named.  Not that I have been perfect.  I have been very imperfect.  I know I have said and done the wrong things.  But more than ever in my life I have strived to listen and follow Jesus Christ.  So…. this statement must be false or I am just not good enough.

But then I read this scripture:

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11

And this scripture:

“Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end.”  Doctrine and Covenants 100:12

In this very moment I am choosing to believe that hope will return and all will be made right.

I am also giving myself permission to question and doubt without shame.  To give myself room to feel what I feel and then move on to the next feeling.  Because emotions do not last, they come and go.  And to show myself grace….

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His Name Part II

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 30, 2014

(Deep Sigh)

And here I am again.  Logically thinking things through.  Him going through my phone and computer — its not about ME.  Its not.  It doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean I should let him but… it is not about me.  It is about him.  It is part of what he is going through.  Some of the symptoms of his trauma is avoiding closeness and relationships, a need for control, a fear of betrayal.  I understand that this does not excuse his behavior toward me but it does call for compassion.  And sometimes the best thing is to have compassion from a far.

My biggest hope and prayer is that He-who-shall-not-be-named and I will come back together.  That we are meant to be together.  That he will let me in.  That I will be the woman called by God to travel this journey with him.  I hope for this because I love him in the deepest parts of me.  My biggest fear is that God has called someone else.  That I will not be the one to love him and stand by him.  Even the thought of that is devastating to me.  Completely.  Down-into-the-marrow-of-my-bones devastating.

Please, please

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 22, 2014

I am not angry with him.  I should be.  It would totally be acceptable, understandable, expected.  But I am just not.  I have moments where I want to be, wish to be.  Sometimes I feel that things would be easier if I could be.  I haven’t felt a need to forgive him because I haven’t felt any anger.  Today I realized that I have a lot to forgive him for.  Angry is not the same as hurt.  And he hurt me. A lot. I need to forgive so I can let go of what has been done to me.

I just got a text from you.  Just this moment as I was writing.  It was mean and hurtful and cruel.  I don’t understand what I did to you to make you treat me this way.  All I have done is love and give and accept.  I feel you have taken everything from me and torn me in two.  I want to yell and scream at you.  Demand kindness.  But I know that it is hard to practice compassion when you are struggling with authenticity and when your own worthiness is off balance.  And so I won’t ask you for compassion. In fact, I wont respond at all.  It would only be an invitation for you to be cruel again.  So you can just stop.  JUST STOP.  You succeeded.  I’m broken.  I’m in pain.  My teeth hurt.  My hair hurts.  My heart.  Everything.

“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.” -corrie ten boom

A Letter to Myself

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

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Dear young Nicole, When I look at you I see a spirit that is gentle and sweet.  A girl who is trusting and believes in all things that are good.  You are beautiful.  Beautifully wild.  When I look at you I see a girl who is guileless and unassuming.  I see innocence and a tender heart.  What I love and appreciate about you is your imagination.  Every where you go you bring creation.  You sing out loud with all that is in you.  Nothing holds you back.  You play.  I love how you love.  You celebrate.  You give all that you have and take care of all living things.  I appreciate your big dreams.  You are doing it right girl! What makes your light shine is your love and the joy you find in other people and animals.  Even at such a young age you have a belief so unbreakable of your Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I want to take care of you Little Nicole.  I want to nurture your tender qualities.  You are so special.

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Dear present day Nicole, When I look at you I see a spirit that is gentle and sweet.  A girl who is trusting and believes in all things that are good.  You are beautiful.  Beautifully wild.  When I look at you I see a girl who is guileless and unassuming.  I see innocence and a tender heart.  What I love and appreciate about you is your resilience.  Every where you go you find beauty.  You are beginning to sing again.  Nothing holds you back from seeing the good in others. I love how you love.  You celebrate.  You give all that you have and take care of all living things.  I appreciate your dreams.  What makes your light shine is your love and the joy you find in other people and animals.  Your light shines when you serve others freely. You have a belief so unbreakable of your Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I want to take care of you present day Nicole.  I want to nurture your tender qualities.  You are so special.  I will not let circumstance, disappointment and heartache define you in any moment or make you hard.  I will welcome and embrace you how you are.  You are brave.  You are strong. You are lovely.  You deserve all that is good in this world.

Love, yourself

Thoughts from a Young Me

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

I am at my parents home going through my childhood things.  I found this poem that I wrote while I was in middle school:

 

This I will say and time again/ and listen well “only time will tell”/Only time will tell:  You will have wounds that bleed/ they will bleed from all your aching need/ but they will heal – you will see: not everyone is as perfect as can be/ and when you recover… there will still be that special you and me!

Love Again

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

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“The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and will smile at the other’s welcome, and say Sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself.” -derek wolcott

Deep Secret

First Published on Into Heartbreak and Back on January 20, 2014

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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ee commings